Too Sad to Sleep

Have you ever been so sad you can't sleep?  Tonight I am.  

People in my life, the people I should be close to, the people I should count on, the people I hold dear, are avoiding me, and it hurts.

My mother wrote me off 25 years ago because I left her religion.

My father wrote me off because I got angry at him and his wife.

My daughter-in-law has written me off and forbidden me access to my grandson because...well, I'm not really sure, actually.  

I don't think I'm a terrible person.  I try to be kind, merciful, loving, genuine, truthful...all those things I'm supposed to be. There are several people in my life who seem to enjoy my company.  My husband and children think I'm okay. What is it that makes me so unlovable to these three?  

So here I sit.  Unable to sleep.  I am sad.  I am hurt.  And I feel very alone.

Uphill...both ways

Part of my journey toward a healthy lifestyle involves physical exercise.  I have actually come to love hopping on my bicycle and riding around town.  Who would've ever thought I'd admit to enjoying exercise?!  It clears my mind and helps me focus in a way I haven't known in quite a while.

Today I had one of those "deep thought" moments while I was riding back from meeting a friend for tea and conversation.  The ride there was much faster than I expected, and I was feeling mighty proud of myself.  I had time to order my beverage, scope out and claim one of the coveted booths, and stop sweating before my friend arrived.

Although my ride to the coffee lab was faster than usual, it was still your basic Fayetteville ride...downshifting and struggling (followed by whimping out and walking) uphill then flying downhill with my feet off the pedals, channeling my inner five-year-old.

The ride back was radically different.  Fayetteville is one of those unique places on the planet where you really do travel uphill both ways.  As soon as I made the turn onto the bike path leading south toward my home, the wind practically knocked me backwards off my bike.  Every rotation of the tires required extra effort.  My eyes were watering and I was struggling to breath normally within the first mile.  It was then I had my epiphany...so to speak.

The ride to coffee was full of struggles uphill just like the return trip; however, riding against the wind made it practically impossible.  Several times in Scripture the Holy Spirit is compared to breath and wind.  When I take the time to stop and listen to God's Word, to be still and wait for that quiet voice to speak to me, I'm riding with the wind.  There are still hills...to struggle up and coast down.  I must still work, and it isn't always easy, but with the wind at my back I'm encouraged to keep going and to overcome...to prevail.

When I turn the opposite way, going away from the Spirit's direction, I am riding into the wind.  The hills seem steeper, and the usual invigorating cresting of the hill is followed by eye-stinging, breath-taking descent.  At the end of the ride, I'm exhausted.  Instead of feeling refreshed and focused, I'm just happy its over.

When it comes to riding my bike, even if I take the time to check the direction of the wind, returning home will be rough.  Thankfully, in life, I can throw some dust into the wind and see which way it blows, then ride with it all the way to the final destination...home.

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise

I'm 45 1/2 years old.  I am very hopeful that this is the midway point in my life journey, and its at this juncture I have decided to get healthy.  I've also reached the point where I think I might actually "get it."

Losing weight isn't it.
Riding my bike for 20 miles isn't it.
Looking good in a bikini MOST DEFINITELY isn't it.

"IT" is being the best me I can be.
"IT" is letting you be whoever you are.
"IT" is accepting that God is God and I am not.

So I'm dealing with the consequences of my first 45 1/2 years and entering this second half of my life with my mind, heart and arms wide open.  I'm aligning my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual being with my Creator, and am taking these first bold steps into the healing process; getting past my past and pressing onward toward the prize.

First Steps:
Physical - Medical tests to determine health issues
Emotional/Mental - Establish a therapeutic relationship with a trained Christian counselor
Spiritual - Read/Listen to the entire Word of God and return to daily prayer journaling.

Here we go...

Second verse, different from the first!

Seasonal Fruit

This morning I went out and picked a nice bunch of basil and made the salad I've linked below.  Tonight I'm serving this salad along with watermelon and mint, and a lovely marinated, grilled pork loin. As I stood there making a chiffonade of basil (new fancy-pants cooking term for the day - its described in the recipe), I was thanking God for the incredible smell of basil and mint and melon.  My mouth watered as I basked in the aroma of these sweet gifts and anticipated the first bites at our evening meal together.

As I took time to talk to God, He spoke to me as well.  I was struck by how much I love summer food...in the summer.  However, when September rolls around, I am ready to move on to pumpkin and apples and cinnamon and ginger.  In the winter, I look forward to thick soups and stews, piping hot, filling my home and belly with warmth and comfort.  Come April, I can't wait to get my hands on fresh asparagus and bright green lettuce.

Today, my Father said clearly, "Every season is beautiful and perfect, even this season.  I created the seasons, and I created you.  I knew when I made you which specific seasons you would enjoy and endure, and I love you.  Don't be afraid.  Every season is full of blessing, because every season is full of Me."

I've been wallowing in self-pity and fear, because I absolutely LOVE food.  I love to plan it, find it, prepare it, savor it, and, of course, consume it.  The doctor's recent diagnoses of various digestive disorders put an extreme limit on which foods my body can properly process. It will take a lot more planning, sacrifice and self-control.  Planning I'm down with...sacrifice and self-control?  They've never been my strong suits.  God knew I would reach this point, and He knows my weakness, but He is my strength.  He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  He anoints me with oil, and my cup overflows.  How sweet are His words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth, more to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

As I type this, the aroma of basil and mint oils worked into my fingertips wafts up and gives me peace. His words are life, and His changing seasons are welcome.

Basil, Tomato and Feta Salad

Shine a Light and End It

My daughters want to do it.  My daughter-in-law wants to do it.  My sister wants to do it.  All of the younger women in my life constantly talk and share about it.

It isn't cooking.

It isn't shopping.

It isn't exercise, styling your hair, refashioning clothes, getting married, having a baby, buying a house, getting an SUV, raising beautiful perfect children, or following celebrities...it isn't any of the things that seem to be such a big part of this American life, as evidenced by Pinterest, Instagram or Facebook (I don't tweet, but I guess you find all of that there, too.)

The younger women in my life want to end slavery.

Today, as I sat down on the couch in my living room, all set to drink my gallon mug of coffee, catch up on my social media, and do a little knitting whilst I listen to the mellow-voice-man read the book of Ezra to me, I was blinded.

On the east wall of our cozy living room, right next to the front door, there is an antique little window.  It still contains the original glass from when this house was built in the 1920's.  Across the street from our cool, old home, there is an apartment complex.  Every day there are about 5 minutes when the sun comes up and shines over the roof of the apartments and directly through the little window.  It throws rainbows all over the house, and its one of my favorite moments of the morning.  However, I've never been in the direct line of that light before, I've only ever walked through the indirect beams.

As I sat down and opened up my laptop, I saw a big red X on the screen, and then everything went white.  It looked kinda like this:

It made me think...about God's Word as a light for my path - Psalm 119:105; about how God is my everlasting light - Isaiah 60:19; about how we are the light of the world, a city on a hill - Matthew 5:14;  about Jesus shining in the darkness, but the darkness not understanding - John 3:18-20; and mostly, that the night is nearly over, and we should put on our armor of light! - Romans 13:12

As the sun rose higher, and I could again focus, I saw a big red X on my computer screen.  Today is the day the "END IT" movement has asked us to put a red X on our hands in an effort to shine a light on slavery.

So, I'm drawing an X on my hand, I'm forcing myself to watch all the videos that are posted, I'm crying and praying, I'm supporting my daughters, my sister...and all those with no voice.

We must not be silent.

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It may seem that changing a profile picture and drawing a red X on our hands won't do anything, but guess what?  Last year at this time, I could not have told you that the Super Bowl is one of the largest sex-trafficking events in the world...but we all know that now.  Last year, I wouldn't have been able to tell you how many slaves there are estimated in the world, but now we all can rattle 27 million (27 MILLION!!!!) off without even thinking.  We are AWARE.  That's the first step.  Now, are we ready for the next step?

For more info, click this link OR just follow my girls on facebook and click their links.  Its time to let this sink into our hearts and our consciousness.  It really is time to End It.

http://enditmovement.com/

Memorials and Making Memories

Today was a contemplative day.  It all started this morning with a memorial service for a friend who passed away much too soon.  She got the flu, developed pneumonia and was gone before we even knew she was ill.  She was in her mid-fifties.  She was so young.

It was a lovely memorial on a stereo-typical, cold and rainy day.  The room was filled with people from so many different spheres of her life.  It was such a glorious testimony to a life well lived. Our friend was so well loved, because she loved so well.

As is often the case, this caused my husband and me to pause and think about our own life's testimony and to question, "What would people say about us?"  I'd hope there would be a lot of laughter, as was the case this morning, with a sprinkling of tears.  I'd hope there would be friends and family, and hugs, and music, and praise, and rejoicing, and prayer.  I'd hope, like this morning, Jesus would be the focus... and I hope it will be a long, long time from now.

Unlike the family of this dear woman, my husband and I left that occasion and returned to a normal Saturday afternoon.  We ran errands together, baked a cake, and fell asleep on the couch.  We learned fancy new rhumba moves in our dance lesson, and sipped lattes as we talked in hushed voices at our favorite cafe.  We discussed grandbabies and weddings and how much we love this community, realizing the nine years we've lived here is longer than either of us have ever lived in a single community.  We shared how much we love running into people we know and care about everywhere we go and how wonderful it is to know people in different industries that we can call upon with questions or turn to for help.

As the sun, albeit hidden, sets on this day, I got a text from a friend.  "I couldn't find the Cavenders seasoning at Walmart.  Would these spices work for your fish recipe instead?"  I was able to text back, "I'll be there in 10 minutes," as I grabbed my canister of Greek seasoning and jumped in the car.  Six minutes later, I handed the spice to her husband and popped back home as quick as I had left.  It was a tiny thing, really, but its part of that good life well lived...having friends, sharing, smiling, doing life together.

Thank you, Connie Lynn Lawrence, for your life well-lived.  Jesus, thank you for the reminder, through Connie and her family, of what matters most.

A Little Mom (and Mom-in-Law) Advice

Recently my daughter and her fiance' began pre-marital counseling.  One of their assignments was to find out their parents' "philosophy on marriage."  My first reaction was, "Marriage is wonderful...except when it isn't."  I thought perhaps I could do a little better than that, so I searched my computer for something a little bit deeper.

This is a letter I wrote to my first daughter-in-law.  While it was written specifically to one person, it pretty much sums up my view of a wife’s role in the marriage.  It doesn’t get into the nitty-gritty details, but I think these overarching attitudes are the spirit that leads to working out those details. There's nothing new or earth-shattering in here, but maybe it will offer a little hope to some young (or not-so-young) bride out there wondering what it means to be "a good wife."

Dear (daughter or daughter-in-law)

I got up this morning bound and determined to find the perfect little gems to share with you…just the right combination of words to give you a good start on this new path of marriage.  I typed in, “Marriage advice from mother-in-law.”  This is what the Google gave me:

·         Tips On Mother in Laws

·         Being a Mother in Law

·         Crazy Mother in Law

·         Dealing with Mother in Laws

·         Managing Your Mother in Law

·         My Mother Drives Me Crazy

·         Living with In-Laws Advice

·         Dealing with Crazy In-Laws

I was a little taken aback.  I mean, we’ve all heard the horror stories about monsters-in-law.  It just never occurred to me that one day I might be one!  I never want to be that person you dread.  I just want to be a person who’s on your team…who’ll always have your back…who’ll pray for you every single day…who you know you can count on when the chips are down…who’ll tell you the truth even if it’s hard.

So here is my best advice for being married to a man: 

• He needs…no he NEEDS!!!!!...your respect.  A survey was performed asking men which they would prefer: A woman who deeply respected them or a woman who deeply cherished them.  92% of the 1000 men surveyed answered, “What is the difference?”  (Guy’s Name) thrives on respect and admiration.  Be his biggest fan in every context.
• When your girlfriends get together and start dishing the dirt on their hubbies, don’t join in.  Many years ago I went through a terrible depression.  Rick had to take care of our three (at the time) children pretty much on his own as I was in and out of the hospital over a one-year span. After it was over, and I was on my feet again, my own mother-in-law told me, “You know, Rick never once said a single negative thing about you.”  That really moved me, and I vowed to never again complain about him to another person.  (Guy’s name) needs you to be his loyal ambassador in this world.     
• More than anything else, (Guy’s name) (like most men) is afraid that people will reject him or think he is inadequate.  He’ll face this in every area of his life on a daily basis…work, church, friends, parenting, husbanding.  As much as it is possible for you, protect him from this in his home.  He won’t be perfect, but try your very, very best to accept him and encourage him. 
• Pray for him.  Pray with him.  Pray about him.  Pray around him.  Pray….
• Start every day with a kiss.  End every day with a kiss. 
• Live in a constant state of “YES” with God.  Constantly fight the American dream!  You are blessed to be a blessing.  Use your blessings to further the Kingdom.  Don’t let your blessings manage you, instead.  Start your marriage with the mindset that you always want to be in a position to answer His call…whatever that might be.  Don’t break into prison…shackling yourself to a house or car or any other debt.  Live your life in such a way that you can walk away from any earthly material thing whenever our Father asks you to.  Its easy to wake up in your 40s and look back on a life of wasted time and effort and regrets.  I promise you will never regret saying YES to Jesus!  (getting off of soap box now).

I promise, as your mother (in-law), to listen objectively when (guy’s name) calls to ask, “What the heck is she doing?” “What did she mean by this?” “I just don’t get women.”  And I promise to point him to Jesus as the only source of help.  I promise to remind him that he loves you.  I promise to never, ever feed anger or hostility, but to pray diligently with and for him and for you.

I also promise to do the same when you call to ask, “Why does he do that?” “Why does he always try to fix me?” “Why can’t he just understand?”

Every day I thank our Father for bringing you two together, but it is going to be hard.  Times are going to rough.  Money’s going to be short.  You’re going to be tired.  There will be tragedies.  Fights will happen.  You will both be tempted to run away from home.

In this world, you will have trouble.  BUT!!!!!  He has overcome the world.  (Can I get an AMEN!)

When you want to scream…pray together

When you want to run…pray together

When you want to throw something…pick up the Bible…but don’t throw it!!!!

Read James…the whole book.  Read it over and over together.  Read it in many versions and translations.  Memorize it…the whole book.  Live together in a Jamesy community.

I could go on and on, but praise God, I have the rest of my life to love you, to pray for you and with you, to watch your relationship with (guy’s name) mature and bear much fruit.

I love you, (daughter or daughter-in-law)!  I am so, so, so happy you are marrying (guy’s name)!