Idol Demolition

I am an incredibly passionate person.  I feel things very deeply.  I'm never just happy or just sad.  I am ecstatic or morose...no in between.  Even so, my level of rage lately has surprised me.  While I do tend to experience emotions-on-steroids, being so angry I find myself shaking is not typical.

I was warned that I would encounter spiritual warfare when we chose to go into full-time ministry.  I took those warnings seriously, but I wasn't necessarily prepared for the way the enemy would go about his first attack.  

I have always considered myself a very merciful and forgiving person. While my emotions do tend to explode out of my psyche at a somewhat alarming level, they fade just as quickly.  I'm like a roman candle, I suppose: lots of OOOHHH and AAAHHHH followed quickly by a darkened landscape devoid of even a tiny spark.

My normal ability to quickly recover from emotional diarrhea has left me questioning why I am unable to overcome my anger regarding long-term family relationships. I think perhaps these relationships have become idols.  Maybe I am demanding more of these relationships than they are actually designed to provide.

Satan absolutely loves it when we compare ourselves to other people.  He doesn't care if we think we're better than they are, or if we find ourselves helplessly inferior.  He is only concerned that we take our eyes off of Christ and fix them squarely on ourselves.  I have most definitely been guilty of that lately.

Lately I have been focused on the ways I am different than another person.  I cannot deny I am quite jealous of this person.  In human terms, all of these emotions are actually quite valid.  I have a right to feel what I am feeling, and there is considerable evidence that my emotions are not inappropriate for the situation.

However, given that I am a child of the King, that my worth and value are found in Him alone, I have no reason to continue to wallow in this vat of self-pity and misery.  There is only one reason I am hanging onto this fury: I am choosing to remain angry.

SO...I am tearing down this idol of the perfect family.  My value is not determined by the way another person treats me.  My worth is not found in the affections of a human.   My happiness does not depend on the actions of another.  My offer of forgiveness is not dependent on an apology.

God will be on the throne in my life.  Period.

Release

This blog is about my life as a Believer in Christ.  I would like it to all be sunshine and roses, but it isn't.  Sometimes my posts are about sin and its results.  This is one of those days.

I am the result of a union that should never have occurred.  A man and a woman met and wed, had a horrible marriage, and an even uglier divorce.  It would have been better if we could have said, "Well, at least they didn't have any children."  However, they did.

I have spent many years and even more tears wishing my parents were different.  I have tried over and over to be what they want, but what they want isn't possible.  I cannot be the child of a different mother.  I cannot be unborn.  I cannot change the fact that I am a constant reminder of a painful mistake.

What I can do is show mercy and grace and stop trying to make my parents accept me.  I can remove myself from their lives, so they don't have to try and fail over and over to love me.  I can take away an obstacle to an otherwise comfortable life.  I cause pain, and I don't want to anymore.  I recognize that I have been selfish in wanting an impossible relationship, so I am releasing them and their spouses from any sense of obligation.

I believe my parents know the truth; that its not my fault I was born.  They know that I can't help who I am.  They know they should love me and accept me.  The truth, however, does not make me more lovable or any less a scar on their hearts.

Thus, I am moving on.  I am choosing to forgive my parents for having me, but not really wanting me or knowing how to love me.  How can I fault them for being incapable of looking past their own regrets.  To truly love and accept me, they would have to forgive each other and themselves.  Self-forgiveness requires a heart change, and I am simply not responsible for changing hearts.

I believe my Heavenly Father wants me.  I believe He does love me.  I believe He accepts me.  I believe that same love is available for my parents.  Jesus is proof enough that we are lovable. 

I do not have a song for this post.  There is no music to express this.

Looking in the Rear View Mirror

Recently I was thinking about where we live right now, and I wondered what 25 year-old me would have to say about it.  As is often the case, that led to dredging up some history and contemplation about all that has gone into us arriving at this point in our lives.  I realized I have always been a very blessed woman.

I recognize we live in a world full of prejudice.  I am certainly not immune to this, but I was very blessed to have a mother who was diligent to teach me that all people are essentially the same.  When I was young, I wasn't even allowed to use the word "black."  My mother taught me, "If you need to describe what a person looks like, then describe what they look like."  People were tall, with black curly hair and medium brown skin, or they were short with freckles and long blonde hair, etc.  I am so very grateful to have been raised in a family that taught me to look at a person's outside as just that...only the outside.

When I was in 8th grade, my mother took me out of the very exclusive private school I had attended since first grade and moved me to the public school in my area.  I grew up in rural, coastal South Carolina, and people of European ancestry are definitely in the minority in that part of the world.  I graduated as the only "white" person in my high school class.  It wasn't easy, but I learned how to get along with people who didn't look like me and who had a somewhat different cultural experience than I did.  I had a lot of friends, in part I believe, because I had grown up knowing that we are all the same.  I am very grateful that I was able to experience being a minority in the school culture.  It taught me empathy, that's for sure.

I was also raised a Jehovah's Witness.  This group is often ostracized and ridiculed for their religious practices and beliefs.  I experienced what its like to be made fun of for my beliefs.  In 1990, I was introduced to Jesus...God the Son.  Jehovah's Witnesses practice excommunication when a person breaks moral laws or questions the teachings.  I chose to leave the religion of my childhood, and in so doing have not been able to speak to or associate with my mother or my childhood friends.  I know what its like to give up everyone I love (well...except my husband) for my beliefs.  I have a limited idea of what our students would have to do if they chose to follow Christ.  I am very grateful to have that knowledge and understanding.

There are so many other experiences I can look back upon and realize everything was happening to help prepare me for this time in our lives.  I didn't fully appreciate them at the time, but boy do I now!!!

The Inner Enemy

I am probably not alone in this, but sometimes I will play a conversation over and over in my head (one that has already happened, not the "practice conversations" I also have prior to the actual discourse).  I will think back to what was said, and I will beat myself up about how I worded something or for what I was too afraid to say.  I will question why I let something roll off my tongue that should most definitely have stayed locked away, or better yet, should not have been in my heart to begin with.

Right now, I am doing that a LOT.  I am so concerned that I am going to offend someone, and yet in the midst of conversations that concern seems to be placed on hold.  I am left with post-convo-guilt.

This morning I was replaying a conversation I had last night, and questioning my motives in sharing what I did.  I got caught up in the moment, complaining about the condition of something without stopping to think about the others who deal with this thing, and who have been dealing with it longer than I have been.  (I know that's a convoluted sentence.).

It is entirely possible that the people within earshot of me thought I was criticizing them, which wasn't my intention, but I completely understand that is how it could have been taken.  Even in the midst of that conversation I knew I should just shut up...but I didn't.

I was sitting here thinking about how very inept I am.  How bad of a person I am.  How stupid I am.  How little self-control I exhibit.  How thoughtless I can be.  I was completely focused on my sin, and not on my Father.  Hmmmm....who would benefit most by this ongoing self-introspection and belittling?  Could it be....SATAN?

So, once again, I take this to my Father.  I confess to Him, "Lord, I didn't control my tongue; that tiny little rudder that directs this ship to places it should not go.  Please forgive me and give me the strength and wisdom to recognize it sooner in the midst of conversation, and then to act on the urging of the Holy Spirit to JUST STOP TALKING!!!!"

I will apologize to those people I think I might have offended.  And I will move on.  I will not wallow.  Wallowing is for pigs in mud, and I am a child of God.  The enemy will not keep me trapped in this self-inflicted prison.  I am free.

The Little Things

This evening I watched a movie and then had a great discussion with a young woman that I am so excited to get to know.  It wasn't a great monumental event.  World peace wasn't achieved.  Diseases were not cured.  Gravity was not defied.  I simply got to spend time with a young woman and listen to her heart.  It was amazing.

I don't have a lot to say about it.  I am just so thankful to be here, in this place, with these people, at this time.

Our Very, Very, Very Fine But Naked House

A couple of weeks ago I began slowly undressing my home.  First, I took off all of its jewelry: The candles and vases and momentos from travel and treasure hunts and childhoods.  Last week I turned its pockets inside out; the drawers full of tools necessary for various habits and hobbies.  Today, I stripped it of its accessories; the scarves around its windows and the pictures adorning its walls.  I look about the house, and even though it still has all its clothes on (aka, furniture), it just looks undressed.

Tomorrow evening our old home will be naked, and our new home will have the look of our older daughter when she was going through what we affectionately call her "bag-lady" phase...when she wore all of her favorite clothes at once, with a swimsuit over it all!

It is all so bittersweet.  I'm so excited about our new adventure, and every time we read a verse or devotional about obedience to God's direction, I feel a sense of joy that we are responding, and for once don't have that twinge of guilt that comes from ignoring my Father.  However, goodbyes are always difficult, and this time we aren't just saying farewell to a house, we are bidding adieu to a chapter of our lives; no...we are turning our backs on a former lifestyle altogether.

This is all new and different and scary and exciting and... I feel naked and exposed and vulnerable, just like my house.  Guess its time to clothe myself with the love of Christ and everything will be easy, cuz of Him.

Now Everything is Easy Cuz of You, Father

Help me in my unbelief

Today is one of those horrible, terrible days that cannot be defined.  I cannot pin my feelings of melancholy to a specific event or trauma.  I just woke up feeling down in the dumps and find myself questioning my life choices.

One of the reasons I'm keeping this blog is so that I can look back and see all that God has done, as well as to hopefully help other people see themselves in my struggles.  Sometimes it just helps to realize you aren't "bad" for feeling the way you do.  You are just like everybody else.  Today, however, I feel alone.

I did some work on updating our checkbook registry and looked up our bank statement online.  My head started doing that thing where I add up numbers and subtract numbers and realize that we don't make or have as much money as I thought we did.  (I think that's called math, but I HATE that four-letter word.)  Then I started thinking about how much we owe each month, and those numbers were even more askew.  (See...math and numbers are evil.)


On top of that, our oldest son is under attack by someone he works with, and its all just boiled up to the point that I can't just smile and quote a random Scripture and swallow it all down again.  I do know that God will work this all out.  Somehow the house will sell, or it won't.  Either way, we'll be okay.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  We wind up going to foreclosure?  We screw our credit score?


I guess I just thought that if we were obedient, everything would go smoothly.  My head says that's dumb.  God made it clear that we would suffer for His names sake.  I guess I just don't want that to be true.  I want right choices to come with sunshine and lollipops.  I want the path of obedience to be covered in extra-thick padded carpet...or better yet, a luxury vehicle to carry me easily down the road on auto-pilot.


I sat myself down and started thinking about all the things I could do to fix the situation.  I could go back to work, even just part time.  However, in my heart of hearts, I know that I need to make ISCA my full-time job.  I need to make sure I'm available for these students.  I just know that to be true.  I look around the house and try to identify more things to sell.  I don't really NEED an engagement ring.  I know I'm married.  Rick knows I love him.  


Way down, in the very back corner of my heart, I think I hear a little voice telling me that God wants to take care of this.  He wants to show me that He will provide in ways that I can't imagine possible.  He wants it to be very obvious that HE is the one working it all out, and that its been in the works since the beginning.  I'm just so afraid.

Father, I believe.  Help me in my unbelief.

I am not a big fan of the Gaithers, but I just can't find better lyrics than these.  If there are any talented composers out there who would like to set this to a different tune, please send it to me when you're done.

I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I take the finite risk of trusting like a child.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown, trusting all the while.
I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know.
But should I never feel a thing, I claim him even so.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown trusting as a child.