Recently my daughter and her fiance' began pre-marital counseling. One of their assignments was to find out their parents' "philosophy on marriage." My first reaction was, "Marriage is wonderful...except when it isn't." I thought perhaps I could do a little better than that, so I searched my computer for something a little bit deeper.
This is a letter I
wrote to my first daughter-in-law. While
it was written specifically to one person, it pretty much sums up my view of a
wife’s role in the marriage. It doesn’t
get into the nitty-gritty details, but I think these overarching attitudes are
the spirit that leads to working out those details. There's nothing new or earth-shattering in here, but maybe it will offer a little hope to some young (or not-so-young) bride out there wondering what it means to be "a good wife."
Dear (daughter or daughter-in-law)
I got up this morning bound and determined to find the
perfect little gems to share with you…just the right combination of words to
give you a good start on this new path of marriage. I typed in, “Marriage advice from
mother-in-law.” This is what the Google
gave me:
I was a little taken aback.
I mean, we’ve all heard the horror stories about monsters-in-law. It just never occurred to me that one day I
might be one! I never want to be that
person you dread. I just want to be a
person who’s on your team…who’ll always have your back…who’ll pray for you
every single day…who you know you can count on when the chips are down…who’ll
tell you the truth even if it’s hard.
So here is my best advice for being married to a man:
- He needs…no he NEEDS!!!!!...your respect. A survey was performed asking men which they would prefer: A woman who deeply respected them or a woman who deeply cherished them. 92% of the 1000 men surveyed answered, “What is the difference?” (Guy’s Name) thrives on respect and admiration. Be his biggest fan in every context.
- When your girlfriends get together and start dishing the dirt on their hubbies, don’t join in. Many years ago I went through a terrible depression. Rick had to take care of our three (at the time) children pretty much on his own as I was in and out of the hospital over a one-year span. After it was over, and I was on my feet again, my own mother-in-law told me, “You know, Rick never once said a single negative thing about you.” That really moved me, and I vowed to never again complain about him to another person. (Guy’s name) needs you to be his loyal ambassador in this world.
- More than anything else, (Guy’s name) (like most men) is afraid that people will reject him or think he is inadequate. He’ll face this in every area of his life on a daily basis…work, church, friends, parenting, husbanding. As much as it is possible for you, protect him from this in his home. He won’t be perfect, but try your very, very best to accept him and encourage him.
- Pray for him. Pray with him. Pray about him. Pray around him. Pray….
- Start every day with a kiss. End every day with a kiss.
- Live in a constant state of “YES” with God. Constantly fight the American dream! You are blessed to be a blessing. Use your blessings to further the Kingdom. Don’t let your blessings manage you, instead. Start your marriage with the mindset that you always want to be in a position to answer His call…whatever that might be. Don’t break into prison…shackling yourself to a house or car or any other debt. Live your life in such a way that you can walk away from any earthly material thing whenever our Father asks you to. Its easy to wake up in your 40s and look back on a life of wasted time and effort and regrets. I promise you will never regret saying YES to Jesus! (getting off of soap box now).
I promise, as your mother (in-law), to listen objectively when
(guy’s name) calls to ask, “What the heck is she doing?” “What did she mean by
this?” “I just don’t get women.” And I
promise to point him to Jesus as the only source of help. I promise to remind him that he loves
you. I promise to never, ever feed anger
or hostility, but to pray diligently with and for him and for you.
I also promise to do the same when you call to ask, “Why
does he do that?” “Why does he always try to fix me?” “Why can’t he just
understand?”
Every day I thank our Father for bringing you two together,
but it is going to be hard. Times are
going to rough. Money’s going to be
short. You’re going to be tired. There will be tragedies. Fights will happen. You will both be tempted to run away from
home.
In this world, you will have trouble. BUT!!!!!
He has overcome the world. (Can I
get an AMEN!)
When you want to scream…pray together
When you want to run…pray together
When you want to throw something…pick up the Bible…but don’t
throw it!!!!
Read James…the whole book.
Read it over and over together.
Read it in many versions and translations. Memorize it…the whole book. Live together in a Jamesy community.
I could go on and on, but praise God, I have the rest of my
life to love you, to pray for you and with you, to watch your relationship with
(guy’s name) mature and bear much fruit.
I love you, (daughter or daughter-in-law)! I am so, so, so happy you are marrying (guy’s
name)!
