Cabin-Fever Induced Ramblings

Day Five - The Great Snowpocalypse of 2013

I was sitting here drinking my umpteenth cup of coffee, waxing philosophical (albeit somewhat cabin-fever-mania induced), thinking about something a good friend said with which I categorically disagree, when it occurred to me: It is possible for me to love someone with whom I do not agree. In fact, can it truly be called "love" if it is never tested? 

Having reared four children past the point of adolescence, I daresay true love requires disagreement, or it is merely a superficial facade based on comfortable transactions. There have been occasions when I have looked into the eyes of these creatures who began their lives in my womb and wondered, "Who ARE you?"  Certainly, I was just the host for this alien life-form who does not share my perfect worldview.  Yet, I love them so deeply it belies common sense of any kind, subjecting myself to compounding wounds of emotion and ego, all for their well being and ultimate melioration.

Therefore, I am certain that loving a person in spite of contention is possible.  In fact, I believe perhaps Jesus intentionally modeled this very point as He walked this planet among the beings created in His image.  He was quite clear when he spoke the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5), and left no room for ambiguity when He stated, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"  If I am commanded to love my enemy, how can I choose to turn my back on a person I consider a friend simply because they utter a belief different from my own?  I cannot.  

Thus, I will love my friends as I love my children, and my husband, and even my enemies, believing that obedience to my Heavenly Father has infinitely more value than protecting my ego or emotions. 

And now...more coffee. 

Called

There are days when I wonder if I'm really a blonde.  This is one of those days.  I had an honest-to-goodness, forehead-slapping, V-8 moment, which, given that I've been suffering with a month-long, intense headache was not smart.  I have never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box.

In Christian circles, we love to use the term "called."  Do you feel "called" to the ministry or the mission field.  Where do you feel "called?"  

What the HECK does that MEAN?????  And does it make me a bad Christian that I don't feel called unless my ring-tone is going off?  

Well, today I read a status update from a famous female author and speaker (whose name rhymes with Choice Buyer).  "God has got you strategically placed somewhere. Stop being so itchy to get away from where you're at and find out if maybe God's got you there for a purpose."  At first I thought, "Of course!  God has us at ISCA.  I need to be happy here at ISCA." (Which I am.)  Easy Peasy!

As the day progressed, however, I have begun to wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is whispering something quite different in my heart.  

You see, I've had a severe headache for a little over a month now.  Today I had a lumbar puncture.  I was very scared.  I hate needles, and just the idea of someone sticking one in my back makes me queazy. As I was pscyhing myself up to go through the spinal tap, I listened to "Oceans" by HillsongUnited.  The chorus jumped out at me:

Spirit lead me where my faith is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

The test didn't go quite as well as I had hoped.  They found that my spinal fluid pressure was elevated.  I tried so hard to resist the urge to Google what that could mean, but you know what they say about curiosity and cats...

As I listened to that song again this evening, I had the sudden realization that maybe "calls" aren't always to a place or a job.  Maybe we can be called to suffer.  What if our role in His kingdom is to "praise Him in the storm."  Maybe I'm in a "Yea though I walk through the valley" season of life.

If that's the case (and I don't really know yet)....

How will I respond?

Will I be itchy to get away from here?

Will I live for His purpose?

What will people say about my God by my response?

Will I live up to His call?

Can I truly believe the song when I sing it?

Fairy God-Mothers

Disclaimer:  I love my mother very much, and she loves me. 

I want to be sure I make that perfectly clear before I write this blog.  For those who don't know her or understand her life, what I say next might lead some to think her harsh or unkind.  That is simply not true.  

At the age of 21, I chose to leave the faith in which I was raised.  My mother and step-father are Jehovah's Witnesses.  They are happy to be such, but I was not.  At first I rebelled morally, which was extremely self-destructive.  Later, I was challenged to examine the faith of my biological father, and was surprised to discover that the true person of Jesus Christ was what I'd been looking for my entire life.  He filled the God-shaped hole in my heart like nothing and no one ever had or could.

By choosing to become a member of a church, I knew what I was doing to the relationship with my mother.  I would be disfellowshipped and considered an apostate.  I would be "the dog that returned to its vomit."  Jehovah's Witnesses shun those who choose to leave their fold and are allowed no contact whatsoever.  I was fully aware that by choosing Jesus Christ as God the Son I was drawing that line in the sand over which my mother could not cross.

I miss my mother very much, and I know she misses me.

However, God promised very clearly that He would honor this incredibly difficult decision; 

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.   Matthew 19:29

Today, as I prepared for a meeting held in my home on Thursday afternoons, I was reminded of one answer to that promise, Charlotte Kirk.  

My own mother was an incredible hostess.  She was an excellent example of how to show hospitality to guests, and we had a warm, welcoming home.  As a young person, however, I saw this as unwelcome work, and secretly  (and sometimes not so secretly) resented the effort that went into cleaning and cooking for others.

As a young wife and mother myself, however, I wished I had paid more attention to the logistics of her preparations.  I love having people fill my home, and truly wanted to offer the same haven my mother provided.

Enter Charlotte.  She's a bit younger than my own mother (in case you read this, Charlotte,  you are most definitely NOT old enough to be my mom!), but she possesses the same gift for making people feel welcome that my mother has.  She would get up early in the morning, before going to work, and would bake some special treat for her office mates or for the potluck she'd be attending that night.  Charlotte always had some special yumminess ready and waiting for surprise drop-in guests as well.  Her home was consistently tidy, but not spotless, and she always made time to talk to you, even if it was in the midst of busyness.  She'd just scurry around the kitchen while you sat and enjoyed her hospitality.  Somehow, I never felt like I was imposing.  

I learned so much from Charlotte, not because she did anything different from my own mother, but because I cared to learn it.  As I soaked up all that Charlotte unknowingly taught me, I grew in my own ability to serve through hospitality, and I learned to absolutely adore the effort that goes into maintaining a welcome safe-haven for life-weary friends and strangers (also known as soon-to-be-friends).  There is very little that makes me happier than baking a batch of cookies or vacuuming a rug and fluffing pillows in preparation for potential drop-in friends.  My door is always open, and this is in no small part thanks to my God-mothers like Charlotte Kirk, Mary-Lou Money, Fran Miller, Dorothy Hake, Betty DeHaas...and so many more...hundreds, in fact, just like the promise says.

It is an honor to now be in the season in which I find myself.  I have become a spiritual mother, and next week I will add a new daughter to my family.  Thanks to my own mother and all those mothers God has given me, I am excited to be that older woman who can take the younger under her wing.  

Living in a State of Yes

Right now I am right where I'm supposed to be.  I have no doubts that God put us in ISCA house.  To move here, we had to make a financial decision.  I went on and on ad nauseam about this decision in previous blog posts.  To make is short and sweet, we were willing to give up everything in order to be financially ready to say "YES" to anything God might have for us.

Another topic I whine about eternally is having to give up certain foods: gluten, sugar, eggs.  What never occurred to me until this week is that there is no difference between my reasons for giving up my dream home and giving up those foods.  I thought they were very different, but like everything else on this spinning rock, its ALL about God.

Every so often, when i take a minute to actually listen during prayer instead of just running my trap, God says something to me.  Last week, as I was so exasperated about taking metformin and all the less than pleasant side-effects that go with it, I asked Him, "Dad...why can't I have what I want?"  I didn't have anything else to say about that, so I just sat quietly.  The answer that was given to me made so much sense, but was so difficult to hear nonetheless.  "Why was it so easy for you to give up material things, but so impossible for you to give up food?  What if I give you a path to take, but you can't because your health won't allow it?  Either you live in a state of YES, or you don't."

I don't know what God has in store for us.  I don't know if we'll stay here with ISCA forever or if He'll one day lead us in another direction.  All I know for sure is that I want to say YES to anything He brings our way.  If that means eating less sugar, avoiding gluten, being careful with eggs, and getting off my butt to burn a few calories, so be it.  He IS worth it.  Here I am, Lord, send me!

IKEA Bins in the Shire

Back when my kiddos were wee little critters we had a bit of a toy explosion issue.  I had enough sense to realize these little people couldn't tidy a room up to "mom standards,"  but I did want to be able to see the floor from time to time.  On a trip to IKEA one Saturday afternoon, I made a wonderful discovery...the Trofast toy storage system.

During those early childhood years, my only requirement was, "All toys must be in a bin before bedtime."  (Sometimes they even accomplished this!)  As they got older, and one of my children developed a deep love for all things organized, the bins were labeled and each type of toy had its own little home.  (Sometimes they even accomplished THIS!)

When we started homeschooling, the bins took on a new purpose, and various subjects and experiments and crafts had their own special place.

As the kids made their way into the public school system, the bins found their way into multiple rooms, and were used for jewelry, sports equipment, make up, accessories, secret hiding places for letters from girlfriends (shhhh, don't tell that I know).  

Now that the kids are grown up and moving into their own homes, I was tempted to send the bins with them.  However, I've grown so accustomed to their usefulness, that I just couldn't give them up quite yet.  They've taken on a new role in our humble abode:  Craft and Comfort Central.

Today I bought these ADORABLE shoes (don't worry there really is a bridge to help you cross this logic leap.)

But my feet look...well, lets just say I took a picture of my tootsies and decided there are just some things that don't need to be shared.

I walked over to my handy-dandy wall of crafts and comfort, and grabbed my foot repair bin. (ahhhh, there's the bridge...see, its not THAT random)

Add a little hot water to the bin, stir in the peppermint epsom salt, soak while I blog about my bins and feet and other strange-but-true facts, scrub like a mad woman with the pumice stone, and voila!  I  am no longer afraid of being mistaken for a Baggins!  (Consult a Lord of the Rings nerd if you need to know what that means.)

I'll never be a foot model, nor would I care to be one, and my cankles leave a bit to be desired, but thanks to my grown up IKEA bins, any time I want a little foot pampering, all I have to do is grab the bin and soak my way to peace and prettiness.

Oh...and because no blog is complete without the requisite Bible reference:

Its rather ironic that my Bible reading today was Romans 10.

Romans 10:14-15

The Voice (VOICE)

Faith is not something we do. It is a response to what God has done already on our behalf, the response of a spirit restless in a fragmented world.

14 How can people invoke His name when they do not believe? How can they believe in Him when they have not heard? How can they hear if there is no one proclaiming Him? 15 How can some give voice to the truth if they are not sent by God? As Isaiah said, “Ah, how beautiful the feet of those who declare the good news of victory, of peace and liberation.

Logs, Boats and Helicopters

Once upon a time...

There was a man who lived beside a river.  One dark afternoon the rains began, and as the next morning rolled around, the river began to creep closer and closer to his house.  By the time the sun was setting again, the waters were on his porch.  He began to pray, "God, please save me from this flood."  All through the night the waters rose, and by the next sunrise, the man was on his roof.  He pleaded with God, "Father, oh please, I know you are all powerful.  I know you will save me from this flood!"

A little while later another man, sitting on a large log, floated close to the house, and he called up, "HEY!  This log can hold two.  Climb down and lets float to safety."  The first gentleman looked a the precarious log and called back, "Thanks, but God is going to save me!"  So off the log went.

The waters rose a little higher, and a guy in a row boat came along.  "Hey!" the guy called out, "Climb down and get in my boat.  We can row to safety together."  The man on the roof thought about how hard it would be to row that boat through the debris filled flood waters and called back, "Thanks, but I prayed, and I know God is going to save me."  And the waters continued to rise.  The man was a little scared, but he had faith.

So when the helicopter pilot spotted him and hovered over his house, shouting through the megaphone, "Sir, we're going to lower this rope.  Grab hold and we'll carry you to safety,"  the man on the roof bravely called back, "My God is all powerful, he calmed the storm and walked on water.  I believe that He alone will save me!"  And the waters rose higher still.

Finally, as the man clung desperately to the very top of his chimney and felt his grip becoming looser and looser, he cried out one last time, "Oh God.  You alone are the creator of the river and the rain!  I prayed to you and with all my heart I believed you would save me.  Why have you forsaken me?!"  And God called back, "I sent you a log, a boat and a helicopter....what more do you want?!"

In June of 2012 we made the decision to put our house on the market and prepare to move into a campus ministry house for international students.  We prayed, "Oh God, we know you will sell our house."  In August 2012, we took a step of faith and moved out of our beautiful home and into ISCA house.  We prayed, "Oh God, you have clearly worked in all of our real estate dealings.  We know you will sell our house."

In January 2013 we looked at our dwindling savings account and we decided to contact a property management company to lease our house.  We prayed, "Oh God, you must not want us to sell the house, so we'll get someone else to help us."  Ten days later, the company cancelled our contract because we wouldn't pay for the incredibly expensive insurance they required.  We were angry and hurt, but we prayed, "Okay God, you obviously want us to be patient so you can sell the house without a realtor and save us some money," so we listed For-Sale-By-Owner.

In mid February we were contacted by another ministry interested in trading ISCA house for our house.  We prayed, "Thank you God!  We knew you would sell our house!  We have strength to hold on a little longer."

 In March we were contacted by someone interested in leasing the house, but we said, "Thanks, but God is going to sell our house."  In May a couple looked at the house and then offered to lease it.  We of course replied, "Thanks, but our God is all powerful, and he wants to free us from this house."

On June 3 the ministry said, "Sorry...we can't trade houses.  The numbers just don't work."  We prayed, "Father, you created all things and you own the camels on a thousand hills.  You can save us from drowning under the weight of this mortgage."

On Wednesday, June 5, I received a phone call from a man interested in our house.  "I was given your number by (the property management company that made us so mad in January).  We have rented from them for years, but the house is no longer structurally sound, and we have to move out.  They thought you might be willing to lease to us long term."  And we prayed, "Thank you, God, for the helicopter!!!!!"

As is usually the case, I had a plan.  I expected God to do what I wanted him to do.  I was ready to say, "Well done, good and faithful God!" as he fulfilled my expectations.

He had other plans.  Plans that I don't think I fully understand.  Plans that I know are bigger than what I see on the surface.  Plans that bring Him glory and will fill me with awe and wonder.  As I hang onto the rope and the helicopter lifts me away from the stress of the tens of thousands of dollars we've paid for that house to sit empty, I am so very thankful for his continued faithfulness.  I am excited about what the future holds.  I'm enjoying the view from God's helicopter : )

I'm Married to a Grown Up

Today is a big day.  Today a very important person hits the half-a-century point in his existence.  My devastatingly handsome husband is the Big 5-0.

I could sit here and type the usual, "How did we get here so fast?" cliches.  The truth is, the Bible makes it abundantly clear just how short our puny, little lives are. 

Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. Ps 103:15

How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone. James 4:14

How frail is humanity! How short is life, how full of trouble!  Job 14:1

Remember how short my life is, how empty and futile this human existence!  Ps 89:47

It is no surprise that we blink and suddenly a saggy stranger is staring back at us in the mirror.  (What a happy, cheerful birthday post!  You can practically hear the zippity-doo-da playing in the background!)  

However, let me tell you what I see when I look at the man who has occupied my heart for 24 of his 50 years.  

When we met, he had a 5, 10, 15 year plan.  He knew how much money he wanted to make by specific ages.  Today, he has a plan for right now..."Love Jesus, Love others."  

Twenty four years ago he had a check list for what he needed to do to be a good Christian.  Today he lives in a constant state of "yes" to Jesus and lets Christ dictate what that looks like.  

Way back in the day, his bucket list included many material things and financial dreams.  Today, he is blessed to be a blessing and no longer wants to spend his retirement managing his blessings but wants to serve his God and to help take Jesus' glory to the nations.

My husband is a grown up Global Christian, and I have been incredibly privileged to be along for the ride.  So when I read those scary verses about how fleeting our brief time on this planet is, I am so, so, SO happy to know that my True Love is truly living his life to the fullest.  

But now that you’ve found you don’t have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.  Romans 6:22-23

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Trusting the Engineer

A few months ago we were approached by another ministry that offered to purchase our house so that we could be free to purchase the ISCA house.  To be sure, Rick and I had firmly decided we never wanted to own another home.  We planned to rent for the rest of our earthly existence so as to be able to drop everything and say "yes" to God, regardless of where or when He called.  However, when the other ministry made this offer, we prayed and talked, and were fairly certain this was an answer to our prayers.

Curve Ball Alert...

After appraisals and discussions and negotiations and other such real estate stuff, the other ministry decided they just couldn't make the numbers work and the offer was taken off the table.  It happens.

And yet...here we are, left asking the question, "Does God want us to buy ISCA house?  Does He want us to be all in with International Student Ministry?"  We can't deny what we truly believe He was saying at the time we decided to walk down this road.

At this point, we've dropped the price on our house in an effort to sell it on our own.  (If you know anyone looking in the Fayetteville, AR area, please point them my way!)  It is still our goal to buy ISCA house.  It is still our desire to be a part of sharing Christ and discipling global students on the UofA campus.

Everything in me wants to "do" something to fix this "problem."  I want to hire someone, buy something, call somebody, promote, work, accomplish...  I want to fix it and make everything comfortable for us.

But that is not what God wants.  He wants me to trust Him.  So, I will be still and cling to this verse, knowing that He wants us to be part of taking His name to every nation and exalting Him in all the earth...and that HE alone is God:

Psalm 46:10 - He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
I saw this picture on Facebook today.  It was very timely and appropriate as my dear hubby works for the local railroad.  I think I need to plaster this on a wall (or my forehead!) to remind me that God is in control, even when I'm in a tunnel and I can't see a darned thing!  Be still....

Go South Young Woman

This has been an insane couple of weeks!  It started with us putting four girls on airplanes that took them back to their home countries.  I was quite surprised by how hard that hit me.

Then, all my kids worked in the yard and cooked me a delish meal on Mother's Day.  This was followed by my birthday the next day, including my very last high school booster club meeting.

Next came my son's big proposal to his girlfriend.  Yep, he put a ring on it!  So exciting!!!!

Not to be outdone, our youngest child then graduated from high school, along with our other son's girlfriend.

Our final daughter felt left out, so she decided to turn 21 in the midst of this crazy week.

And finally, our youngest and I got on an airplane to Honduras.

Which brings me to the subject of this blog: leaving your baby in a scary place.

Did you know that Honduras has one of the highest murder rates in the world?  Well, I know it, but I wish I didn't.  Apparently the drug wars  have worked...most of the drug traffic has been rerouted through Honduras now, and along with it the crime and greed.  Yay.

I've been through sending my son to Iraq with the Army.  I've been through sending my son to the red light district of Thailand.  Those were scary as well, to be sure.  You'd think I'd be used to this by now.  There's just something different about sending your youngest baby away that's a little, well, terrifying.

God is good, though.  At this point in my life, my greatest goal is to live in such a way that I hold nothing back from my Father...even my children.  Our baby is in Honduras to serve in the name of Christ and to learn as much about Him through the Honduran people as she possibly can.  I've learned that the safest place to be is smack dab in the middle of His will, so I know she will be okay.

It is my prayer that her comfort zone will be busted wide open; that she will have nowhere to turn but His arms and His Word.  I suppose its kinda crazy to want your child to be uncomfortable, but since when has the Christian life made sense?

This week I read a book by Francis Chan, "Crazy Love."  One of my favorite sentences in this work went like this, "Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers."  Amen.  I pray that my life, and the lives of my children, make absolutely no sense whatsoever!  I pray they are a testimony to trust in a loving Father who alone is worthy of our everything!

So...here's the song stuck in my head now.  Imagine a room filled with Honduran youth and American adults all jumping up and down screaming this song to Jesus...the Holy Spirit is on fire in that ministry center on Sunday evenings!!!!  (And the girl, Dana, reminds me so much of our sweet Ana!!!)

Sex, Lies and Purity Legalists.

Recently I read an article about some of the negative side effects of the Christian purity culture.  It fascinated, disturbed, intrigued, infuriated, and saddened me.

We have taught all of our children since they were old enough to understand what it means to stay pure for their future spouse and for God.  When they were little, my husband and I would only kiss their cheeks, so they could "save their lips for their husband or wife."  We took this seriously, and we wanted our children to as well.

Did we do this because we were pure and holy?  Not at all.  I mean...I had a kid before I got married, and he was definitely not immaculately conceived.  No, we taught our children to remain sexually pure because we hoped they could avoid some of the heartache we experienced and the guilt associated with this particular sin.

However...

I do not think it was an accident that God the Father, when putting together the bloodline and family for His son, Jesus, chose Abraham, David, and Rahab.

Abraham - basically prostituted his wife, not once but twice.  He did nothing when kings took his wife into their harems, because Abraham had lied about her being his sister.  She was only saved from adultery because GOD saved her...not her husband.  I'd call that a sexual sin on Abraham's part.

David - Stalked another man's wife, took her, got her pregnant, then had the husband killed.  Serious sexual sin.

Rahab - an out and out hooker, prostitute, whore.

When Jesus was conceived, what did everyone think of Mary?  Joseph was so ashamed!  But God chose not to make a grand announcement to their entire village in order to clear Mary and Joseph's good name.  No, He only told the two of them.  They bore the brunt of the gossip and shame mongers.

When Jesus was on earth, what did He do when he came across public sexual sinners?  One of them He rescued from death, wrote in the sand and humbled those attempting to humiliate her.  On another occasion, He sat down beside her, shared eternal life giving water with her, and sent her on her way as a missionary to share the Good News with everyone she knew.  Yet another woman of ill-repute was allowed to annoint Him in front of the high and mighty, and He defended her against even the thoughts of those hypocrites.

Do I want my children to remain pure and to avoid the pain and guilt that often comes with giving away parts of your body and spirit?  Of course I do.  I would LOVE for them to never experience one single twinge of heartache when they are with their future spouse or if they never marry.  Do I believe that our Christian purity culture is adding to the shame we feel if we make a mistake?  Absolutely, I do.  Do I think God loves the broken hallelujah of a redeemed sinner just as much (if not more) than the puffed up chest of a holier-than-thou purity legalist.  You betcha!  There are no degrees of sin, and sexual sin has been forgiven by the Father just as much as that sin of pride displayed by many of those who "just said no."

Pin the tail on the Eyore

This week I've been a little too "Eyore-esque."  You know..."Thanks for noticing me..."

I've received some very bad news, and this news, along with my overburdened schedule, had me feeling pretty down-in-the-dumpsy.

In the midst of all of this, I attended a meeting of local mobilizers (folks who are part of full time global ministries in our area), and sat next to a local legend.  She and her husband have lived all over the place, and her husband is a speaker on the Perspectives circuit.  I'd never met the wife, but her husband was the speaker at the meeting, and I just happened to sit by her.  This family has very recently moved to our town, and so we chatted about what the move was like, among other things.  She was honest about it all, and I immediately liked her.  I just love people who take you seriously when you ask them a question about how they're doing.  Drives me nuts when people just say, "Fine," or "Busy," or even "Blessed!"  I don't ask the question if I don't really want to know...and it bothers me that we all put up these walls.

So we decided to have lunch, and that lunch was yesterday.  For two hours we ate and talked and ate some more.  I walked in with my own personal rain cloud, but I walked out practically beaming.  What did she say that changed my view so radically.  Well, let me tell you, she shared her life with me.  She talked about difficult things that are hard to hear, and I shared the same with her.

This kind of communication is what my spirit feeds on.  By sharing our real lives, not the pretty little "Ain't nobody got time for this" lives, I was reminded of all God has brought me through.  I was able to hear her story and know, without a doubt, He will carry her through it, too.  I could practically see our hearts holding hands over the table, and hear God saying, "I am faithful."  If there is a better way to spend a lunch hour, I can't possibly imagine it.

So even though my life is INSANE right now, I will continue to make decisions that allow me to build relationships.  I have to.  Without it, I shrivel up, grab my little rain cloud, stick on my fake tail and droop through the 100 acre wood.

Thank you, Father, for honest friends.  Thank you for everything you've brought me and will bring us through.  Thank you for making us need each other.  And Father, in the name of your son, Jesus, I denounce the demon of American Busyness and refuse to let it control my life for one second longer!

AMEN!

Sometimes I Need a Jumping Percussion Guy

We sang this in worship yesterday.  While I did miss the jumping percussion guy (I was promised they would work on it for next time),  it was just what I needed.  Right now I am feeling more than just a little weighed down.  There are so many circumstances trying to steal my joy and my hope, and I just want to rest in my Daddy's lap for a while.  This song helps recharge my batteries and rev my engine.  Well...this song plus a lot of Scripture.  Today, as I succumb to the tears I can't swallow down any longer, I listen to this song, read my letters from Dad, and remember that sometimes the bravest thing I can do is hope.

Ecc 8:6 Indeed, there is an appropriate time and a response for every circumstance, since human misery weighs heavily upon him.
Ps 27:14 Wait with hope for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Yes, wait with hope for the LORD.
Psalm 37 - the whole thing
Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
Romans 15:13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Come set Your rule and reign
In our hearts again
Increase in us we pray
Unveil why we're made
Come set our hearts ablaze with hope
Like wildfire in our very souls
Holy Spirit come invade us now
We are Your Church
We need Your power
In us

We seek Your kingdom first
We hunger and we thirst
Refuse to waste our lives
For You're our joy and prize
To see the captive hearts released
The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace
We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause
We are Your church
We pray revive
This Earth

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power
Reaching the near and far
No force of hell can stop
Your beauty changing hearts
You made us for much more than this
Awake the kingdom seed in us
Fill us with the strength and love of Christ
We are Your church
We are the hope 
On Earth

My Treasure

Today my sweet hubby and I celebrate 22 years of marital bliss (well, more like 21 years of bliss and a cumulative total of one year of *#%@*).  On my facebook status I shared our "secrets" for staying married in a culture that doesn't really value commitment.

I was trying to figure out how to explain, in one simple sentence, what Rick and I have.  I thought about our marriage, our relationship, our family, our faith, our communication, our fun...I thought about a lot of things that are part of us.  When it all comes down to it, however, the bottom line is that Rick Hall is my earthly treasure.  HE is what is special to me.  Rick Hall, the person, is worth more to me than anything else on this planet.  Our relationship is good.  Our marriage is great. Our family is wonderful.  But what matters most to me is the person of Rick Hall.  He's it.

As I pondered this, I took a second to thank Jesus for the man that is Rick Hall, when it occurred to me....Isn't that how I need to think of Jesus?  M faith is of consequence. My relationship with the Father is nice.  My worship is important.  My prayers are special.  But my universal TREASURE is the persons in the God head.  The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit...THEY are IT.

Once again, the picture of the church as the bride of Christ is just so perfect.  When I'm tempted to think that my relationship with Jesus, or my worship, or my communication with Him are where its all at...I need to remember how I feel about my husband.  HE is what matters.  HE is what is special.  HE is my everything.  

Oh...and here is my list of "secrets."  I hope and pray that my children (and each of you) get to enjoy spending life with your earthly and universal treasures : )

1. Marry your FRIEND

2. Let Jesus take the wheel while your spouse takes your hand (don't confuse those roles)

3. Laugh...a lot!

4. Kiss good morning and good night and happy 9:00 a.m. and good lunch time and....Kiss...a lot!

5. Figure out how the other person likes to communicate (hours of quiet contemplation before they speak or verbal diarrhea to process their emotions), and then respect that!

6. Respect your spouse...a lot

7. Don't ever, ever, ever talk bad about your spouse, even when everyone else is dishing the dirt on theirs. Honor your husband or wife...a lot.

8. (PG 13) When you're "with" your spouse, be "WITH" your spouse. Really BE there.

9. Say you're sorry, and mean it. Ask for forgiveness, be willing to wait for it, and accept it when it's offered. Then DON'T DO THAT THING AGAIN! When forgiveness is requested of you, remember mercy, and freely offer it fully, with no reservation.

10. And in case you missed it...Jesus is in charge. He's got it under control. Its not your spouse's job to give you a happy, comfortable life. Their only job is to love you as best they can, and stay by your side in the good times and bad. (that's what the vows say...just remember it)

Holy Week

I have so much on my mind and heart lately.  I feel as if I'm not just in a valley, but I'm actually under the mountain.  Never before has Matthew 17:20 been quite so poignant.  Because God chose me, I have faith.  Right now, it is frail and is probably as small as a mustard seed, but Matthew 17:20 says that faith is enough to move the mountain I feel bearing down on me.

This is Holy Week.  It is the week we remember that Christ shared His last supper with and said goodbye to His closest friends.  He wept and prayed until He bled in the garden.  He was betrayed by His friend and falsely accused by His enemies.  He was humiliated, beaten and spit upon by those people He came to redeem. He felt the weight of every sin ever committed, past present and future, on His shoulders as He was brutally killed.  He was separated from His Father.

Is there any mountain in my life, even a mountain sitting directly upon my chest, that can compare to that?  Is there any pain I endure, be it emotional or physical, that Christ didn't endure for me?

But this is Holy Week.  It is also the week we remember that the veil between the Father and His children was torn forever. Jesus' follower came forward and asked for His body and laid Him in a family tomb.  Jesus defeated the only mountain no human could ever overcome. Women found an empty tomb and leftover burial cloths.  Gentile guards witnessed the ultimate power of a sovereign God.

The mountain in my life holds no power over me.  How do I move a mountain with a tiny bit of faith?  I remember Matthew 17:20.  I remember Colossians 1:15-23.  I remember Him and His hope....His incredible, beautiful, glorious, faithful, eternal, gracious hope.

Yes-No- Maybe So

There are certain moments in my life when I look around and say to myself (and God), "What the HECK?!!!!"

This week I was once again thinking about all that Jesus has done to get me to the point that I am willing to say YES to whatever God brings my way.  For the longest time, I know opportunities were presented, but I chose to say NO...or on a good day, I'd say MAYBE later.

Now, I find myself in this place where I want to say YES to everything...but there's this whole "time-space-continuum" thing holding me back.  For each of us there is the good, the better and the best.  Figuring out which is which is stinkin' hard!

Right now, in my life, I am the choir booster president for my daughter's class.  That's good.  I'm the coordinator for a Perspectives class.  That's better.  But for us, I think the international student ministry we're part of is the best at this point in life.

I'm in this horrible spot of having to choose to give up the good and the better to be fully engaged in the best.  This is SO tough!!!  I want to do it all.

The good news is, my daughter graduates this year, so giving up choir boosters will be expected and really easy.

Giving up Perspectives is really difficult, though.  I just love that class, and I just love the students.  But that time-space thing keeps getting in my way.  All the time and labor intensive moments of coordinating and planning a Perspectives class happen to hit at the exact same times that new international students are arriving on campus.  I can't really be fully involved with the students...going to orientation events, helping them find housing, taking them to Wal-Mart and thrift stores to furnish their new places, hosting their first meals in an American home...when I also have so much Perspectives responsibilities at the same time.

Never once, in all of my Christian life, did it occur to me that saying YES to God would be the easy part, and saying NO to a ministry would be so difficult.  MAYBE I need to realize that God is perfectly capable of raising up another servant to say YES to Perspectives, SO I can focus on these students...

Like I've said in the past, there's almost always a song playing in my head.  For some reason, this one keeps coming to mind as I try to figure out when to say YES and when to say NO.  (hopefully you'll recognize that my mind doesn't always come up with perfectly Godly songs that deal with the issues ideally. Nope, sometimes there's just one line in a song that seems to fit, and my brain goes with it ; )

Wuv...Twue Wuv

Yesterday I stopped into a local pawn shop to see what sorts of deals I could find on some items.  While I was looking around, I spotted the jewelry display case that was practically overflowing with engagement and wedding rings.  How sad.  Sitting there amidst the only building in NWA that smells smokier than a single's bar were the pathetic, shiny remnants of failed relationships.

It made me wonder, why are Rick and I still together?  We have been through some MAJOR crap, let me tell you.  The details don't really matter, but suffice it to say our marriage has taken some pretty major hits.  Somehow, our love has grown stronger when others would have called it quits.

In all honesty, it really has more to do with Jesus than anything we've done, but I thought I might try to explain how I feel about this man that I share my life with.

First and foremost, when I met Rick Hall, I knew he was not my type.  Oh sure, he's devastatingly handsome, but he had no tattoos, his jacket was not leather, and his vehicle had not only four wheels but four doors as well!  Rick Hall was the quintessential yuppie, and I...was not.  Still, there was something about him that made me stop and think, "That is a good man."  I made the decision to get to know him better, even though there weren't "fireworks" at first.  (Trust me, fireworks that take a little more time to set up...those are worth waiting for!)  

Each time we've hit a major obstacle in our marital bliss, we've made the decision to look to God for the solution, and to cling to each other for mutual support.  Jesus is the only answer, but He gave me this sweet man to walk through this life with.  When everything hits the fan, Rick takes my hand while Jesus takes the wheel.  I do my very best not to expect anything else.

Probably the very best thing about our marriage is the laughter.  This may come as a shock, but sometimes...every so often....the fireworks show is just too stinking exhausting to even think about!  Its during those times, when the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, that a good laugh is all it takes to realign the planets and bring balance to the universe again.  No one can make me laugh like this quiet man can.  After 23 years together, there are a BUNCH of inside jokes, too.  When life wears us out, we make the decision to tickle each other's funny bones, instead of the "other" tickling...

I don't know the stories behind each of those rings in that smoky pawn shop, but I do know that the ring on my finger, that's been resized a couple of times, that doesn't get polished all that often, that sometimes sits in the jewelry box so it won't get in the way...that ring is on my finger because every day I make the decision to love my husband, and he decides to love me.  Warts and all : )

Minor Adjustments

Recently I helped teach our 16 year old daughter to drive..including how to park.  At our house, there are three cars that park side-by-side in a relatively small space.  Teaching her how to wedge a car between two other vehicles took patience and lots of backing up, straightening up, and trying again.

Last week, I applied that same concept to my attitude.  In my last post, I whined on and on about "my" plans for "my" time and "my" finances.  Then, on Thursday night, Todd Ahrend spoke to our Perspectives on the World Christian Movement group about God's mandate for His children.  My goal isn't to accomplish my plans for His kingdom.  No, my purpose is to be open to HIS plans...whatever those may be.

So, I backed up, straightened up, and I'm trying again.  Today, I want to say to God, "Anything, Any time, Anywhere."

In my very finite mind, I think that selling that house will give me the freedom to say that to God.  The truth is, I can say it right now, this very moment, regardless of my financial situation.

Let Me Give More!

Maybe its the rain on the roof or the mid-winter doldrums, but I'm feeling a little down-in-the-dumpsy today.

I just finished reading a devotional all about slowing down our lives and noticing the people around us.  I'm not sure I can adequately convey how much I want to do that more.  More and more I find myself stuck up here in our little apartment working on all the various things I do outside of ISCA, when all I really want to do is have girls over to knit or teach to cook or just hang out.  I want to walk up to campus and grab coffee with them.  I want to take them to the library or grab a movie or .... whatever!  I want to be available.

But I CAN'T, and its killing me.

Every day I pray, "God, there are so many things I want to do for your kingdom with the money we are spending on that big empty house.  There is so much I want to do with my time for your kingdom instead of working to pay the bills because we still have that big empty house."

Why is He making me wait?  Why can't I do this stuff now?  I just want to share His love with my time and finances.  Isn't that the right thing?  Isn't that what I'm taught in Perspectives?  Isn't that what Scripture says to do?  I am literally ACHING to give that money away and to spend all my time on Him and His people.

Why is He postponing this?  What is He up to?

Echoes of Mt. Airy

 

As the moving men carried the dining room table out the front door, I felt a little tug on my heart strings.  We bought that dining room set when we moved into our house in Mt. Airy, Maryland...I guess about 15 years ago.  Now, we've sold it, and our house sits completely empty waiting for someone to buy it, too.

I really liked that dining room set and have a lot of fun memories associated with it; Thanksgivings with ridiculous amounts of food served up on silver and china; birthday meals and blown out candles as we purposely sing horrifically off-key; graduation open houses and send-offs to the army; Christmas brunches; Mexican train dominoes and Uno marathons; and all the patterns laid out and cut with a sewing machine at one end and a serger at the other.  It was a great set of furniture in a great room in a great house.

As I stood looking at the bits of dirt and food and piles of dust and dog hair that had clustered behind the furniture, I got a little misty thinking about everything that was in that house in Mt. Airy.  Almost all of it has changed or is now gone.  Remembering the "things" in that house eventually gave way to memories of our life during that time.  Our lives and all of us have changed so much, too.

At this juncture, I find myself pondering the decisions we made back then, the heartaches we endured.  I don't regret them all.  I do know that we are all on our own journey.  Our green pastures, quiet waters and valleys of darkness are all a little different.  Our Shepherd leads us each down the path of His choosing.  Today, knowing what I know, having seen what I've seen, having felt what I've felt, I don't make the same choices I did back then....at least not all the time.  My sanctification process does seem to be progressing.

Still...in that big, empty, echoing space, I wondered what I will look back on 15 years from now and wish I had done differently.  I suppose I'll only really grasp that when I'm 15 years older and I know, see and feel that much more.  For now, I will use the experiences and knowledge I have of my Shepherd to help me choose the furnishings of my life, and I'll enjoy or endure the memories I make with the people I am so privileged to love.

Sugar, the Other White Heat

In yet another attempt to help me realize that HE really is my only comfort in life and in death...

I went to the doctor because I was falling asleep almost every time I ate white rice or sugar.  He checked my blood sugar levels, and despite losing weight, eating no gluten and exercising more, my levels have gone up.  I still don't have full fledged diabetes, but its getting there.  So, to help stave off the inevitable as long as possible, he started me on metformin.  He warned me there would likely be some digestive issues until my body adjusts to the drug.  Well, that was the ultimate understatement...kinda like, "holding this stick of dynamite will likely result in some muscular issues to your arm."  Why do doctors say stuff like that?  Seriously?  Its just "pressure," right?

 I'm convinced this is payback for that time I made fun of an elderly person I knew that sounded like a nuclear air assault in the lavatory every morning.  Has anyone else noticed that everything you laugh at old people for eventually happens to you?  I am waiting for that 2 inch chin hair to show up any day now...

The irony of all of this is that I went to the doctor because I wanted to be able to eat sugar without passing out.  Well...he definitely helped that.  Now, when I eat sugar, I am not sleepy, I'm running like FloJo to the closest little girls room where it takes every ounce of restraint not to scream, "duck and cover" to my poor housemates....nope, definitely NOT sleepy when I eat sugar anymore.

Okay, so why have I put you through this graphic description of my gastrointestinal distress?  The truth is, my Father will do ANYTHING to prove to me that HE is all I need.  When I'm stressed, I don't need bread or cake or donuts or cookies or Hershey's dark chocolate kisses in the beautiful purple foil wrapper that actually sing the Hallelujah chorus when they melt on my tongue.  No!  When I am stressed, I need Jesus, His promises, His salvation, His love....Well, I just need HIM.

Sometimes I can take the subtle hint.  Sometimes I can read the verse and get the point.  Sometimes I need a flamethrower to the intestines.  Point made.

Afraid of Missing the Point of it All

The doubt and jealousy hit me like 2 tons of bricks last night.

An acquaintance of mine recently made the difficult decision to go into full-time ministry.  She packed up her home and moved from the Dallas area up to the wonderful land of Fayetteville, AR to begin a new adventure with a local mission mobilization group.  

Yesterday she posted on her facebook, "I put my house in Texas on the market this week and received two offers the very first day!  Thank you God!!"  Understandably, her facebook friends, including me, are very happy for her.  I mean, that really is exciting and wonderful news.

What sucker-punched me was one person's comment, "Now that's God talking!"

It underlined everything I've been battling in my heart and mind about our own situation...watching our house sit empty with no interest at all for almost eight months now.

Last week, a friend posted their daily Bible reading from Lamentations 3, and one particular phrase really jumped out at me, "It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Deep, deep deeeeep sigh)

So as I lay there in bed last night, wrestling with thoughts like, "Why do you love her more than me?" or "Is this your way of saying we aren't supposed to be in this ministry?" I decided to just be quiet and wait for God to reveal Himself.  I stilled my body and quieted my mind and intentionally focused on the attributes of God.  I pictured myself sitting at His feet, listening and adoring.  I was consumed with peace and reminded of the way I felt when I first fell in love with Him.  

I do not need anything else from my Father than what He's already done.  There is no hoop for Him to jump through.  There is no wet fleece on my lawn.  I don't even care what His plan is for my life.  The ministry doesn't matter.  Missions doesn't matter.  He is all that matters, and for whatever reason...I am His.

I heard this song on the radio today, and some of the lines really struck home.  I hope it speaks to you, too.

I'm tired of the sound of my own voiceAnd I'm weary of adding to the noiseAnd I'm fearful of missing the point of it all
I remember the way it used to beThe way this love felt like the first day of springAnd I want that back more than anything in the world
It's as cold as winter in my veinsBut I long to feel the summer rainCan you take me back to where it all began?
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time again
I'm jaded from all that I have seenI'm bitter, but I don't want to beI'm believing, can you help my unbelief?
Sometimes I think I know too muchBut even then it's not enoughCan you take me back so I can move ahead?
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time againFor the first time again
Take me deep inside the grace that forgetsInstead of down the well worn path of my regretsI'm older than I've ever beenCan you take me back and make me new again?
'Cause I need you now, as much as I did then
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time againFor the first time againFor the first time