Waiting

I will confess, I am pretty sure I know what is best for me.  I can look at any situation and almost immediately figure out what needs to happen for me to be happy.  Its a gift, I suppose.

Typically, when things aren't going the way I think they should, I am more than willing to "help God out" by attempting to persuade (translation: manipulate) people into believing and thus doing what is very clearly the best possible course of action in that situation.

I am tempted to do that now.  I want to get going on this new chapter of my life.  I want to write letters, start visiting with people, raising support, selling things, etc.  Basically, LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

However, the very clear message I have at the moment is "wait."  Waiting makes no sense to me.  Action makes sense.  Doing makes sense.  Waiting is wasting time.

And yet...I wait.  This entire experience is so completely counter to what our culture dictates.  You know...I wonder if God's Kingdom always seems "upside down" simply so that we will be emptied out?

Fear at 4 a.m.

I've had two recurring dreams throughout my life.  For as long as I can remember, these dreams have haunted me.  Usually, they visit me separately, but lately I've had them concurrently.

In one, I am caught in a tornado.  I am desperately trying to help everyone around me get to safety, and the tornado is on a direct path to wherever we are.  I wake up in a cold sweat just as the tornado hits us.  The meaning of this one is very clear:  in my real life, I feel out of control.

In the second dream, I live in a big old house.  I've just finished redecorating the entire home, when I come across a door that I've never noticed before.  I open it to find another wing of the house that I didn't realize existed.  I have several new rooms to beautify.  This one is a very happy dream, and I wake up energized and excited.  The meaning of this one is also clear: in my real life I am being given new opportunities...doors are being opened.

For the past month or so, I've had both dreams at least once per week.  Tonight, for the first time ever, they overlapped.  I was in my big old house, and the tornado was bearing down on us when I noticed the door I'd never seen before.  I open the door and go in...and I feel safe and at peace.

Then, I woke up and started fretting about how I'm going to make this whole "working for a mission organization" thing work.  I quickly turned to prayer (which is rather unusual for me.  I usually worry for a very long time before remembering I have prayer to turn to.).  God cleared my mind and showed me how its going to work.  He'll take care of the money, I just need to trust and do the work.

Weird and yet...Wonderful.

Lose Yourself

On January 9 a friend of mine asked a question on Facebook, "What could you lose yourself in if nothing was holding you back?"  I didn't even blink...my immediate answer was, "Helping get Perspectives in South America."  (Since I know almost NO Spanish, this will be a somewhat lengthy process.)
Three days later someone who works with Perspectives approached me and told me that a position was available with the organization that I was extremely qualified to fill.

Coincidence?  I think not.

I met with the person for whom I'd be working as his assistant to find out more details.  It really is a fantastic opportunity that uses all of my skill sets.

The catch?  I have to raise half of my pay in support...like a global servant (aka missionary).  YIKES!  That's scary stuff there.

I've gone through so many emotional highs and lows over the past couple of weeks:  from the euphoria of knowing that God is behind all of this to cowering under the covers when I think about asking my friends for money to gliding on air realizing I could have my heart's desire and fulfill a dream to questioning what would happen if we couldn't pay our mortgage.  Its been gut-wrenching and exhausting.

But Rick, my husband, and I have prayed together and individually.  We have a peace that can't be explained about this next step.  Maybe we're crazy, but it wouldn't be the first time.

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.
x3

(Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.