Idol Demolition

I am an incredibly passionate person.  I feel things very deeply.  I'm never just happy or just sad.  I am ecstatic or morose...no in between.  Even so, my level of rage lately has surprised me.  While I do tend to experience emotions-on-steroids, being so angry I find myself shaking is not typical.

I was warned that I would encounter spiritual warfare when we chose to go into full-time ministry.  I took those warnings seriously, but I wasn't necessarily prepared for the way the enemy would go about his first attack.  

I have always considered myself a very merciful and forgiving person. While my emotions do tend to explode out of my psyche at a somewhat alarming level, they fade just as quickly.  I'm like a roman candle, I suppose: lots of OOOHHH and AAAHHHH followed quickly by a darkened landscape devoid of even a tiny spark.

My normal ability to quickly recover from emotional diarrhea has left me questioning why I am unable to overcome my anger regarding long-term family relationships. I think perhaps these relationships have become idols.  Maybe I am demanding more of these relationships than they are actually designed to provide.

Satan absolutely loves it when we compare ourselves to other people.  He doesn't care if we think we're better than they are, or if we find ourselves helplessly inferior.  He is only concerned that we take our eyes off of Christ and fix them squarely on ourselves.  I have most definitely been guilty of that lately.

Lately I have been focused on the ways I am different than another person.  I cannot deny I am quite jealous of this person.  In human terms, all of these emotions are actually quite valid.  I have a right to feel what I am feeling, and there is considerable evidence that my emotions are not inappropriate for the situation.

However, given that I am a child of the King, that my worth and value are found in Him alone, I have no reason to continue to wallow in this vat of self-pity and misery.  There is only one reason I am hanging onto this fury: I am choosing to remain angry.

SO...I am tearing down this idol of the perfect family.  My value is not determined by the way another person treats me.  My worth is not found in the affections of a human.   My happiness does not depend on the actions of another.  My offer of forgiveness is not dependent on an apology.

God will be on the throne in my life.  Period.

Release

This blog is about my life as a Believer in Christ.  I would like it to all be sunshine and roses, but it isn't.  Sometimes my posts are about sin and its results.  This is one of those days.

I am the result of a union that should never have occurred.  A man and a woman met and wed, had a horrible marriage, and an even uglier divorce.  It would have been better if we could have said, "Well, at least they didn't have any children."  However, they did.

I have spent many years and even more tears wishing my parents were different.  I have tried over and over to be what they want, but what they want isn't possible.  I cannot be the child of a different mother.  I cannot be unborn.  I cannot change the fact that I am a constant reminder of a painful mistake.

What I can do is show mercy and grace and stop trying to make my parents accept me.  I can remove myself from their lives, so they don't have to try and fail over and over to love me.  I can take away an obstacle to an otherwise comfortable life.  I cause pain, and I don't want to anymore.  I recognize that I have been selfish in wanting an impossible relationship, so I am releasing them and their spouses from any sense of obligation.

I believe my parents know the truth; that its not my fault I was born.  They know that I can't help who I am.  They know they should love me and accept me.  The truth, however, does not make me more lovable or any less a scar on their hearts.

Thus, I am moving on.  I am choosing to forgive my parents for having me, but not really wanting me or knowing how to love me.  How can I fault them for being incapable of looking past their own regrets.  To truly love and accept me, they would have to forgive each other and themselves.  Self-forgiveness requires a heart change, and I am simply not responsible for changing hearts.

I believe my Heavenly Father wants me.  I believe He does love me.  I believe He accepts me.  I believe that same love is available for my parents.  Jesus is proof enough that we are lovable. 

I do not have a song for this post.  There is no music to express this.

Looking in the Rear View Mirror

Recently I was thinking about where we live right now, and I wondered what 25 year-old me would have to say about it.  As is often the case, that led to dredging up some history and contemplation about all that has gone into us arriving at this point in our lives.  I realized I have always been a very blessed woman.

I recognize we live in a world full of prejudice.  I am certainly not immune to this, but I was very blessed to have a mother who was diligent to teach me that all people are essentially the same.  When I was young, I wasn't even allowed to use the word "black."  My mother taught me, "If you need to describe what a person looks like, then describe what they look like."  People were tall, with black curly hair and medium brown skin, or they were short with freckles and long blonde hair, etc.  I am so very grateful to have been raised in a family that taught me to look at a person's outside as just that...only the outside.

When I was in 8th grade, my mother took me out of the very exclusive private school I had attended since first grade and moved me to the public school in my area.  I grew up in rural, coastal South Carolina, and people of European ancestry are definitely in the minority in that part of the world.  I graduated as the only "white" person in my high school class.  It wasn't easy, but I learned how to get along with people who didn't look like me and who had a somewhat different cultural experience than I did.  I had a lot of friends, in part I believe, because I had grown up knowing that we are all the same.  I am very grateful that I was able to experience being a minority in the school culture.  It taught me empathy, that's for sure.

I was also raised a Jehovah's Witness.  This group is often ostracized and ridiculed for their religious practices and beliefs.  I experienced what its like to be made fun of for my beliefs.  In 1990, I was introduced to Jesus...God the Son.  Jehovah's Witnesses practice excommunication when a person breaks moral laws or questions the teachings.  I chose to leave the religion of my childhood, and in so doing have not been able to speak to or associate with my mother or my childhood friends.  I know what its like to give up everyone I love (well...except my husband) for my beliefs.  I have a limited idea of what our students would have to do if they chose to follow Christ.  I am very grateful to have that knowledge and understanding.

There are so many other experiences I can look back upon and realize everything was happening to help prepare me for this time in our lives.  I didn't fully appreciate them at the time, but boy do I now!!!

The Inner Enemy

I am probably not alone in this, but sometimes I will play a conversation over and over in my head (one that has already happened, not the "practice conversations" I also have prior to the actual discourse).  I will think back to what was said, and I will beat myself up about how I worded something or for what I was too afraid to say.  I will question why I let something roll off my tongue that should most definitely have stayed locked away, or better yet, should not have been in my heart to begin with.

Right now, I am doing that a LOT.  I am so concerned that I am going to offend someone, and yet in the midst of conversations that concern seems to be placed on hold.  I am left with post-convo-guilt.

This morning I was replaying a conversation I had last night, and questioning my motives in sharing what I did.  I got caught up in the moment, complaining about the condition of something without stopping to think about the others who deal with this thing, and who have been dealing with it longer than I have been.  (I know that's a convoluted sentence.).

It is entirely possible that the people within earshot of me thought I was criticizing them, which wasn't my intention, but I completely understand that is how it could have been taken.  Even in the midst of that conversation I knew I should just shut up...but I didn't.

I was sitting here thinking about how very inept I am.  How bad of a person I am.  How stupid I am.  How little self-control I exhibit.  How thoughtless I can be.  I was completely focused on my sin, and not on my Father.  Hmmmm....who would benefit most by this ongoing self-introspection and belittling?  Could it be....SATAN?

So, once again, I take this to my Father.  I confess to Him, "Lord, I didn't control my tongue; that tiny little rudder that directs this ship to places it should not go.  Please forgive me and give me the strength and wisdom to recognize it sooner in the midst of conversation, and then to act on the urging of the Holy Spirit to JUST STOP TALKING!!!!"

I will apologize to those people I think I might have offended.  And I will move on.  I will not wallow.  Wallowing is for pigs in mud, and I am a child of God.  The enemy will not keep me trapped in this self-inflicted prison.  I am free.

The Little Things

This evening I watched a movie and then had a great discussion with a young woman that I am so excited to get to know.  It wasn't a great monumental event.  World peace wasn't achieved.  Diseases were not cured.  Gravity was not defied.  I simply got to spend time with a young woman and listen to her heart.  It was amazing.

I don't have a lot to say about it.  I am just so thankful to be here, in this place, with these people, at this time.