Echoes of Mt. Airy

 

As the moving men carried the dining room table out the front door, I felt a little tug on my heart strings.  We bought that dining room set when we moved into our house in Mt. Airy, Maryland...I guess about 15 years ago.  Now, we've sold it, and our house sits completely empty waiting for someone to buy it, too.

I really liked that dining room set and have a lot of fun memories associated with it; Thanksgivings with ridiculous amounts of food served up on silver and china; birthday meals and blown out candles as we purposely sing horrifically off-key; graduation open houses and send-offs to the army; Christmas brunches; Mexican train dominoes and Uno marathons; and all the patterns laid out and cut with a sewing machine at one end and a serger at the other.  It was a great set of furniture in a great room in a great house.

As I stood looking at the bits of dirt and food and piles of dust and dog hair that had clustered behind the furniture, I got a little misty thinking about everything that was in that house in Mt. Airy.  Almost all of it has changed or is now gone.  Remembering the "things" in that house eventually gave way to memories of our life during that time.  Our lives and all of us have changed so much, too.

At this juncture, I find myself pondering the decisions we made back then, the heartaches we endured.  I don't regret them all.  I do know that we are all on our own journey.  Our green pastures, quiet waters and valleys of darkness are all a little different.  Our Shepherd leads us each down the path of His choosing.  Today, knowing what I know, having seen what I've seen, having felt what I've felt, I don't make the same choices I did back then....at least not all the time.  My sanctification process does seem to be progressing.

Still...in that big, empty, echoing space, I wondered what I will look back on 15 years from now and wish I had done differently.  I suppose I'll only really grasp that when I'm 15 years older and I know, see and feel that much more.  For now, I will use the experiences and knowledge I have of my Shepherd to help me choose the furnishings of my life, and I'll enjoy or endure the memories I make with the people I am so privileged to love.

Sugar, the Other White Heat

In yet another attempt to help me realize that HE really is my only comfort in life and in death...

I went to the doctor because I was falling asleep almost every time I ate white rice or sugar.  He checked my blood sugar levels, and despite losing weight, eating no gluten and exercising more, my levels have gone up.  I still don't have full fledged diabetes, but its getting there.  So, to help stave off the inevitable as long as possible, he started me on metformin.  He warned me there would likely be some digestive issues until my body adjusts to the drug.  Well, that was the ultimate understatement...kinda like, "holding this stick of dynamite will likely result in some muscular issues to your arm."  Why do doctors say stuff like that?  Seriously?  Its just "pressure," right?

 I'm convinced this is payback for that time I made fun of an elderly person I knew that sounded like a nuclear air assault in the lavatory every morning.  Has anyone else noticed that everything you laugh at old people for eventually happens to you?  I am waiting for that 2 inch chin hair to show up any day now...

The irony of all of this is that I went to the doctor because I wanted to be able to eat sugar without passing out.  Well...he definitely helped that.  Now, when I eat sugar, I am not sleepy, I'm running like FloJo to the closest little girls room where it takes every ounce of restraint not to scream, "duck and cover" to my poor housemates....nope, definitely NOT sleepy when I eat sugar anymore.

Okay, so why have I put you through this graphic description of my gastrointestinal distress?  The truth is, my Father will do ANYTHING to prove to me that HE is all I need.  When I'm stressed, I don't need bread or cake or donuts or cookies or Hershey's dark chocolate kisses in the beautiful purple foil wrapper that actually sing the Hallelujah chorus when they melt on my tongue.  No!  When I am stressed, I need Jesus, His promises, His salvation, His love....Well, I just need HIM.

Sometimes I can take the subtle hint.  Sometimes I can read the verse and get the point.  Sometimes I need a flamethrower to the intestines.  Point made.

Afraid of Missing the Point of it All

The doubt and jealousy hit me like 2 tons of bricks last night.

An acquaintance of mine recently made the difficult decision to go into full-time ministry.  She packed up her home and moved from the Dallas area up to the wonderful land of Fayetteville, AR to begin a new adventure with a local mission mobilization group.  

Yesterday she posted on her facebook, "I put my house in Texas on the market this week and received two offers the very first day!  Thank you God!!"  Understandably, her facebook friends, including me, are very happy for her.  I mean, that really is exciting and wonderful news.

What sucker-punched me was one person's comment, "Now that's God talking!"

It underlined everything I've been battling in my heart and mind about our own situation...watching our house sit empty with no interest at all for almost eight months now.

Last week, a friend posted their daily Bible reading from Lamentations 3, and one particular phrase really jumped out at me, "It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Deep, deep deeeeep sigh)

So as I lay there in bed last night, wrestling with thoughts like, "Why do you love her more than me?" or "Is this your way of saying we aren't supposed to be in this ministry?" I decided to just be quiet and wait for God to reveal Himself.  I stilled my body and quieted my mind and intentionally focused on the attributes of God.  I pictured myself sitting at His feet, listening and adoring.  I was consumed with peace and reminded of the way I felt when I first fell in love with Him.  

I do not need anything else from my Father than what He's already done.  There is no hoop for Him to jump through.  There is no wet fleece on my lawn.  I don't even care what His plan is for my life.  The ministry doesn't matter.  Missions doesn't matter.  He is all that matters, and for whatever reason...I am His.

I heard this song on the radio today, and some of the lines really struck home.  I hope it speaks to you, too.

I'm tired of the sound of my own voiceAnd I'm weary of adding to the noiseAnd I'm fearful of missing the point of it all
I remember the way it used to beThe way this love felt like the first day of springAnd I want that back more than anything in the world
It's as cold as winter in my veinsBut I long to feel the summer rainCan you take me back to where it all began?
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time again
I'm jaded from all that I have seenI'm bitter, but I don't want to beI'm believing, can you help my unbelief?
Sometimes I think I know too muchBut even then it's not enoughCan you take me back so I can move ahead?
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time againFor the first time again
Take me deep inside the grace that forgetsInstead of down the well worn path of my regretsI'm older than I've ever beenCan you take me back and make me new again?
'Cause I need you now, as much as I did then
Jesus I comeCome to you againLike it was the first timeI came to you for new life
I need you nowAs much as I did thenI need a new beginningSo Jesus I am comingFor the first time againFor the first time againFor the first time

Losing my Scales

Many years ago, I read the Chronicles of Narnia.  I can still remember reading the Voyage of the Dawn Treader and being struck by the image of Aslan ripping the scales off of Eustace who had become a dragon.  The Hollywood adaptation of this book didn't even come close to the mental picture I've had for a couple of decades.  In my mind, there is blood and tearing and pain, but it is all necessary to uncover the true person trapped within the scales.  (You really should read this book to get a clear picture in your own mind.)

2012 has been a year of experiencing God freeing me from the scales I so willingly put on, and 2013 is beginning very much the same.  Yesterday we came to the realization that I would either need to find a job, or we would not be able to pay our monthly bills.  The weight of this is terrible.  Our entire lives we have been taught to believe that keeping your word, honoring a contract, and following through on your commitments is a moral and ethical law that must be upheld to be a truly Godly person.  In a way, to an American Believer, good credit is the result of good Christian discipline.  It is definitely a cultural value that we have held since childhood.

Yesterday we came face to face with the question, "Can we obey God and have bad credit?"  The question seems ridiculous when I see it on this screen, but the essence of my weeping yesterday was definitely that very question.  

I know there are a lot of Christians who will judge me harshly for feeling this way, but I believe, at this point in my life, that God wants us to surrender our excellent credit to Him.  He wants us to choose to put His kingdom ahead of our comfort and status.  He wants us to trust that He will provide all we need.  I also believe that He does not love us any less if we can't pay our bills because we are attempting to obey His call.

And I promise you...this feels very much like the tearing and bleeding and pain of my scales being torn from my flesh.

Am I encouraging people to walk away from their commitments and turn their backs on their responsibilities?  Absolutely not.  This is where we are at this point in our personal journey with Christ.  I would, however, say to all of the young people who could possibly be reading this blog...listen to the words of the song below.  Read the Bible.  See God's heart for the nations.  Take the class, "Perspectives on the World Christian Movement," and DON'T WASTE A SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUR LIVES PURSUING THE AMERICAN DREAM THAT WILL LEAVE YOU HOLLOW AND EMPTY AND COVERED WITH SCALES!!!!!!  Please....don't let your blessings manage you....you are blessed to BE a blessing.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand. 
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, 

without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on. 
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning. 
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart. 
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent. 

All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain. 
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over. 
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones. 
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all.