I'm simply too old for this craziness. I wake-up and pray before my feet ever hit the ground that I won't forget anything truly important. I don't know how long I could sustain this pace. I know God gives strength, and that's a good thing because I sure need it.
Hear me when I say, I am not complaining. I LOVE what I'm doing for my church, and I LOVE what I'm doing with Perspectives (both my new job and the class I help coordinate). I also positively adore my children, their friends, my husband...the whole shabang. However, when you're birthdate happens to nearly coincide with men walking on the moon, running all over creation and attempting to remember four pages of job descriptions is a bit of a stretch.
I'm getting ready to head off to Palm Springs, accompanying my husband on a railroad finance business trip. I'll be doing 20 hours of Bible study about the Biblical basis for Christians supporting other Christians in full-time ministry. Its amazing and fascinating, and radically changing my views about this topic.
However...that's not what I'm writing about! (Easily distractible 40-something brains can be a real pain!)
I wanted to say that I'm heading to Palm Springs with my amazing, wonderful, fantastic husband of 21 years, and we'll be able to be in a room together without an agenda for the first time in FOR-ever. And I CAN NOT WAIT!!!! Gosh, I love that guy.
So...here's the song I can't seem to get out of my brain lately. Mr. Hall...You are the one I will never be done with : )
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Just give Him a chance
God is so good. If you'll only give Him the opportunity, He'll prove it.
Good does not mean, however, that He's a magic genie who'll grant your every wish. Good means He is just and righteous and pure and trustworthy and faithful.
This week He has shown me over and over again that if I will only pray for His glory to be my one true passion, He will bless me with just that! So many exciting things are happening, but they are happening is such a way that I cannot help but recognize that they are gifts from Him and not a result of my efforts. To God be all the glory!
How can I say thanks
for the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved,
yet You gave to prove Your love for me;
the voices of a million angels
could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.
To God be the glory,
to God be the glory,
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
with His power He has raised me;
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
Just let me live my life,
let it pleasing, Lord to Thee,
and if I gain any praise,
let it go to Calvary.
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/nicole_c_mullins/my_redeemer_lives.html ]
Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I-I-I know
My Redeemer
To God be the glory,
to God be the glory,
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
Good does not mean, however, that He's a magic genie who'll grant your every wish. Good means He is just and righteous and pure and trustworthy and faithful.
This week He has shown me over and over again that if I will only pray for His glory to be my one true passion, He will bless me with just that! So many exciting things are happening, but they are happening is such a way that I cannot help but recognize that they are gifts from Him and not a result of my efforts. To God be all the glory!
How can I say thanks
for the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved,
yet You gave to prove Your love for me;
the voices of a million angels
could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.
To God be the glory,
to God be the glory,
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
with His power He has raised me;
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
Just let me live my life,
let it pleasing, Lord to Thee,
and if I gain any praise,
let it go to Calvary.
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/nicole_c_mullins/my_redeemer_lives.html ]
Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I-I-I know
My Redeemer
To God be the glory,
to God be the glory,
to God be the glory
for the things He has done.
Monday, February 20, 2012
My Church Can Make a Grown Man Cry....
Yesterday started out with me being grumpy again. I like to think of myself as this positive person, but the truth is (and I think my husband would verify this), I can be pretty witchy at times. In all honesty, I can be downright negative and complain....a lot. I don't like this about myself, though, and am becoming more sensitive to hearing the Holy Spirit when it says, "Let it go."
Yesterday was one of those times. The morning felt out of my control. I wasn't involved in the worship planning, and the rest of the planning team scheduled a meeting and didn't include me. The teaching elder for the day had to rush down to be with his father who has been battling cancer, leaving us with no one to preach the message. We had to punt...and fast. But they didn't invite me.
At first I was hurt and angry. Then, I heard that voice, "Let it go." I've been griping that I don't get to worship on Sundays since I'm always working. So yesterday I said, "Well, doggon it, I'm just gonna let them do their thing and I'm going to worship with the best of 'em!" And I did. In fact, a teenager who was sitting halfway across the room came over to me after the service and said, "Ms. Monica, your singing was really good." Okay....so maybe I need to turn down the volume on my worship level just a bit.
And as for having to "punt," Wow! What a morning. We sang a lot and prayed a lot. I saw a grown man cry as he shared with us about how God showed them how He used them in a little girls' life spanning 15 years. I listened to a man choke back tears as he shared his fears about his wife expecting a baby...and his wife's heart condition that makes it high risk. I choked back the tears as a mom shared her hopes and fears about her adopted son with behavioral issues. That one took me back 17 years...She could have been me back in 1995.
Later that evening at our small group, I listened to my own husband shed his own tears as he recounted that time in our lives when we were praying about our own son, and now he is back from a mission trip and on fire for Jesus.
I just cannot even fathom the depths of God's goodness and love and power and grace and mercy and sovereignty.
Yesterday was one of those times. The morning felt out of my control. I wasn't involved in the worship planning, and the rest of the planning team scheduled a meeting and didn't include me. The teaching elder for the day had to rush down to be with his father who has been battling cancer, leaving us with no one to preach the message. We had to punt...and fast. But they didn't invite me.
At first I was hurt and angry. Then, I heard that voice, "Let it go." I've been griping that I don't get to worship on Sundays since I'm always working. So yesterday I said, "Well, doggon it, I'm just gonna let them do their thing and I'm going to worship with the best of 'em!" And I did. In fact, a teenager who was sitting halfway across the room came over to me after the service and said, "Ms. Monica, your singing was really good." Okay....so maybe I need to turn down the volume on my worship level just a bit.
And as for having to "punt," Wow! What a morning. We sang a lot and prayed a lot. I saw a grown man cry as he shared with us about how God showed them how He used them in a little girls' life spanning 15 years. I listened to a man choke back tears as he shared his fears about his wife expecting a baby...and his wife's heart condition that makes it high risk. I choked back the tears as a mom shared her hopes and fears about her adopted son with behavioral issues. That one took me back 17 years...She could have been me back in 1995.
Later that evening at our small group, I listened to my own husband shed his own tears as he recounted that time in our lives when we were praying about our own son, and now he is back from a mission trip and on fire for Jesus.
I just cannot even fathom the depths of God's goodness and love and power and grace and mercy and sovereignty.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
One of THOSE days...
Yesterday is over. Thank GOD! No, really. I am very grateful yesterday is finished.
One disaster after another occurred, and I found myself saying naughty words and crying on the phone with my husband and friend. I even caught myself asking, "Is this worth it?!"
The answer is a resounding yes, and I am quite disappointed in how quickly I can go from "My life ROCKS" to "My life SUCKS."
Just how sad is it that a few unpleasant, temporary circumstances can change my entire worldview in less time than it takes to run a computer diagnostic program on a DELL (btw...that's a relatively long time in todays instantaneous world).
Truth: God is God.
Truth: I am not.
When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this
When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this
When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there'll be days like this
When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this
When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
One disaster after another occurred, and I found myself saying naughty words and crying on the phone with my husband and friend. I even caught myself asking, "Is this worth it?!"
The answer is a resounding yes, and I am quite disappointed in how quickly I can go from "My life ROCKS" to "My life SUCKS."
Just how sad is it that a few unpleasant, temporary circumstances can change my entire worldview in less time than it takes to run a computer diagnostic program on a DELL (btw...that's a relatively long time in todays instantaneous world).
Truth: God is God.
Truth: I am not.
When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this
When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this
When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there'll be days like this
When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this
When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
Friday, February 17, 2012
Flame Fanners
Every once in a while I meet a new person, and I am immediately drawn to them. I can clearly see Jesus in them, and I just want to be in their presence as much as possible.
Yesterday I got to have lunch with a couple of those people, and today I am a burning ball of passion for my Father and His heart.
It got me to thinking, what is it about them that causes this response in me? I think its the fact that they are genuine in their love for Jesus and their love for me...even though we've just recently met. God's love radiates from them. They fan my flame simply by being near me.
That is who I want to be. When people are with me, I want them to know that Jesus loves them, not because of anything I do or say...but just because He is in me. Because my heart is full of Him and He is always on my mind. I want to be a fan flamer, too.
One Pure and Holy Passion
Give me one pure and holy passion
And give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition in my life
To know and follow hard after You
To know and follow hard after You
To grow as Your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after You
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Love and other subjects (Post Valentines Day)
The other day I read a quote that really struck me: "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I started looking at the various relationships in my life with that mind-set. Would that quote describe the relationships I have with my husband, my children, my sister, my parents, my friends, my church...
In the majority of the cases, I would say that it does. Rick and I are totally on board with our current outward focus. When we dream, it is definitely about how much more we can do in response to God's love...not on what we can accomplish or get for ourselves. I'd also say this is usually the case with our children as well. My sister and her family definitely seem to be on the same page. I'm pretty sure my Dad and in-laws are with me. I fairly certain most of my little church family is outward focused, too.
So the question becomes, "What is the BEST way to take God's name and His love in that outward direction?" How do we begin to address that question? How to we align ourselves in that way?
So many big questions...so many exciting possibilities!
(BTW: my son is back from Thailand, and I'm really liking the new job! We celebrated last night with steak, real mashed potatoes, caprese salad and chocolate covered strawberries....mmmmmmmmmm)
This is the theme song for our oldest son's FDTS class with YWAM in Lakeside Montana. I think if we truly get what we really believe, we have to take it out.
Manifesto
We believe in the one true God
We believe in Father Spirit Son
We believe that good has won
And all of the people of God sang along
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
We are free He died and lives again
We will be a people free from sin
We'll be free a kingdom with no end
And all of the people of God sang along
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lord lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, power and the glory forever
We’re singing –
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah, yeah.
I started looking at the various relationships in my life with that mind-set. Would that quote describe the relationships I have with my husband, my children, my sister, my parents, my friends, my church...
In the majority of the cases, I would say that it does. Rick and I are totally on board with our current outward focus. When we dream, it is definitely about how much more we can do in response to God's love...not on what we can accomplish or get for ourselves. I'd also say this is usually the case with our children as well. My sister and her family definitely seem to be on the same page. I'm pretty sure my Dad and in-laws are with me. I fairly certain most of my little church family is outward focused, too.
So the question becomes, "What is the BEST way to take God's name and His love in that outward direction?" How do we begin to address that question? How to we align ourselves in that way?
So many big questions...so many exciting possibilities!
(BTW: my son is back from Thailand, and I'm really liking the new job! We celebrated last night with steak, real mashed potatoes, caprese salad and chocolate covered strawberries....mmmmmmmmmm)
This is the theme song for our oldest son's FDTS class with YWAM in Lakeside Montana. I think if we truly get what we really believe, we have to take it out.
Manifesto
We believe in the one true God
We believe in Father Spirit Son
We believe that good has won
And all of the people of God sang along
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
We are free He died and lives again
We will be a people free from sin
We'll be free a kingdom with no end
And all of the people of God sang along
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lord lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, power and the glory forever
We’re singing –
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah, yeah.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Going Public
Is my church a cruise ship or an aircraft carrier? I think this is a question all Believers need to ask themselves.
I've been part of sending a few folks out to share Jesus in other nations. Its exciting to pray over them and to hug them as they set forth on their new adventure.
I never thought it would be me, and I certainly never thought it would be as an administrator in Fayetteville Arkansas.
But Perspectives on the World Christian Movement is an amazing mobilizing tool, and starting tomorrow, I get to be one of the cogs in the gears of this amazing machine that God is using to light fires in His Church and get us out there where we belong.
So, ask yourself, "Am I encouraged to go into the building when the doors are open, or am I encouraged to GO OUT?!"
To the elders of my little church family, I say thank you for recognizing that you are the captains of an air craft carrier, not a cruise ship. Thank you for teaching us to GO. Thank you for sending me so graciously.
"Here Am I"
I've been part of sending a few folks out to share Jesus in other nations. Its exciting to pray over them and to hug them as they set forth on their new adventure.
I never thought it would be me, and I certainly never thought it would be as an administrator in Fayetteville Arkansas.
But Perspectives on the World Christian Movement is an amazing mobilizing tool, and starting tomorrow, I get to be one of the cogs in the gears of this amazing machine that God is using to light fires in His Church and get us out there where we belong.
So, ask yourself, "Am I encouraged to go into the building when the doors are open, or am I encouraged to GO OUT?!"
To the elders of my little church family, I say thank you for recognizing that you are the captains of an air craft carrier, not a cruise ship. Thank you for teaching us to GO. Thank you for sending me so graciously.
"Here Am I"
On the other side of the world
She stands on the ocean shore
Gazing at the heavens she wonders
Is there something more
Never been told the name of Jesus
She turns and walks away
What a shame
Just across the street in your hometown
Leaving from his nine to five
Gazing down the road he wonders
Is this all there is to life
Never been told the name of Jesus
He continues on his way
What a shame
Whom shall I send
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me
Whether foreign land or neighbors
Everyone's the same
Searching for the answers
That lie within your name
I want to proclaim the love of Jesus
In all I do and say
Unashamed
She stands on the ocean shore
Gazing at the heavens she wonders
Is there something more
Never been told the name of Jesus
She turns and walks away
What a shame
Just across the street in your hometown
Leaving from his nine to five
Gazing down the road he wonders
Is this all there is to life
Never been told the name of Jesus
He continues on his way
What a shame
Whom shall I send
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me
Whether foreign land or neighbors
Everyone's the same
Searching for the answers
That lie within your name
I want to proclaim the love of Jesus
In all I do and say
Unashamed
Whom shall I send
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me
Friday, February 10, 2012
Blessed
Today I received a very exciting phone call. Our second son, currently a college freshman, found out that he was awarded a Type 1 Air Force ROTC scholarship. This covers all of his expenses, including books. It is such an amazing blessing. Its almost too much to handle. We are literally overflowing with blessings lately.
Which is probably why I had to take a second today to pray, "God...please let us all remember that we are blessed to be a blessing." When everything is exciting and our circumstances seem wonderful, its easy to praise God. No matter what tomorrow holds, however, God remains the same. I never want to forget that. He is always good.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Riding on Prayers
I'm definitely feeling the effects of folks praying for me. Today's score is much more hopeful!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Silver Linings
Even when things seem so uncertain and confusing, God will send these surprises into our lives.
Our youngest daughter was awarded first chair at the All-State choir auditions last week. Her voice is like Calgon...its just takes me away. So, every once in a while, when the emotional roller coaster is a little more than I can take, I look up one of the videos her proud papa has filmed, and I watch one of my children. Oh...didn't I mention that one of her siblings got second chair in the All-State Band on saxophone, and the other made third chair All-State band on flute. I am so thankful God gave us the gift of music.
Our youngest daughter was awarded first chair at the All-State choir auditions last week. Her voice is like Calgon...its just takes me away. So, every once in a while, when the emotional roller coaster is a little more than I can take, I look up one of the videos her proud papa has filmed, and I watch one of my children. Oh...didn't I mention that one of her siblings got second chair in the All-State Band on saxophone, and the other made third chair All-State band on flute. I am so thankful God gave us the gift of music.
Wise Words from a Young Man
This morning I had a quick little online chat with my oldest son. I told him that the only person more important to me than my husband and children is Christ. I told him that I want my children to learn from me that God is our provider, and obedience to the Holy Spirit is worth any sacrifice.
He responded with this as his status on Facebook:
in Matthew 10:37-38 it says: 37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Christ himself gave up his very own family (both heanenly and earthly) and picked up the cross and died for us all. So how can we not be willing to pick up our cross, which is the will of God, and go where ever he sends us in this life.
We're gonna be alright.
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,
I believe
I believe
I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright
We're gonna be alright
It's going to be alright
He responded with this as his status on Facebook:
in Matthew 10:37-38 it says: 37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Christ himself gave up his very own family (both heanenly and earthly) and picked up the cross and died for us all. So how can we not be willing to pick up our cross, which is the will of God, and go where ever he sends us in this life.
We're gonna be alright.
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,
I believe
I believe
I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright
We're gonna be alright
It's going to be alright
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
True Friends Tell You You're Being Dumb
On Tuesday nights I get together with a friend to pray for our husbands. At least thats the premise. We talk and pray about a lot more than that. This friend is very wise, and I love how she can point out when I'm just being stupid...but she does it in such a way that I love her more for it. That's a special talent, let me tell you, because I am not one to normally enjoy having my faults pointed out.
Tonight I was talking to her about all of the crazy thoughts going through my mind about my son and me raising support at the same time. I rambled forever, as she sat with her head on her hand waiting for me to take a breath. Finally, she cocked her head to one side, looked me in the eye and asked, "What would you be teaching your son if you gave up pursuing Perspectives while he's pursuing SBS?" I answered, "To put your children ahead of yourself." She didn't buy it. "Is that REALLY what you'd be teaching him?"
Well, no...what I'd really be teaching him is to put earthly things ahead of the Holy Spirit. I'd also be teaching him that God isn't big enough to provide for both of us (or at least he'd know that's what I believe is true.)
Man...I hate it when she's right. But I love it, too.
We prayed about that....and our husbands, too.
I am at peace again, because God sent me a friend who calls a spade a spade.
God is big enough, and He is worthy of any sacrifice I must make for Him. the end.
Tonight I was talking to her about all of the crazy thoughts going through my mind about my son and me raising support at the same time. I rambled forever, as she sat with her head on her hand waiting for me to take a breath. Finally, she cocked her head to one side, looked me in the eye and asked, "What would you be teaching your son if you gave up pursuing Perspectives while he's pursuing SBS?" I answered, "To put your children ahead of yourself." She didn't buy it. "Is that REALLY what you'd be teaching him?"
Well, no...what I'd really be teaching him is to put earthly things ahead of the Holy Spirit. I'd also be teaching him that God isn't big enough to provide for both of us (or at least he'd know that's what I believe is true.)
Man...I hate it when she's right. But I love it, too.
We prayed about that....and our husbands, too.
I am at peace again, because God sent me a friend who calls a spade a spade.
God is big enough, and He is worthy of any sacrifice I must make for Him. the end.
Clinging to this
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fastThis life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because You're all I have
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enoughI can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me...keep saving me.
The Other Shoe?
I try very, very hard to be a good little Christian. I try to have a strong faith and think the right thoughts and say the right words and feel the right emotions. But sometimes, I'm just a hot mess of confusion and anger and jealousy and mostly....fear.
My oldest son, who has spent the better part of his young life running away from God, finally gave himself up to his Savior while attending a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Discipleship Training School (DTS). He spent three months learning about God's love for him and the nations, and then spent three months in Thailand, sharing this love with others. He's just returned from Thailand and we chatted online last night.
Now, back in January, I specifically asked my son, "When you come back, do you think you'll need to raise support for anything else?" He said he'd probably take some time to get re-grounded in the States and was planning to get a job. Well, last night we were chatting about his plans upon his return, and he mentioned that any job he gets would only be for the summer because he had applied for the School of Biblical Studies with YWAM in the fall. This is a nine month course for which he does, indeed, have to raise support. Now what do I do?
You see, working for Perspectives is a dream of mine...but as has always been the case, my children come first. Their goals, their dreams, their lives take precedence over mine. God gave me these children to care for and nurture, and I take that very seriously. I absolutely will not "compete" with my son for support. We have the same family and a lot of the same friends.
My son, being fresh off of a mountain-top experience, said, "God will provide for both of us, Mom." Like its no big deal. Do I believe God can provide for both of us...Yes. Do I trust that God will provide for both of us...No, not really. I'd like to say that second part isn't true, but as much as I'd like to say that I simply don't trust our friends and family to support both of us (due to tough economic times...not for lack of love). The truth is, God can do anything...so I can't pawn this off on humans and our insufficiencies.
I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm just a wee bit cynical. Is this a closed door? Is my path now blocked? I don't know. Back on my knees again.
My oldest son, who has spent the better part of his young life running away from God, finally gave himself up to his Savior while attending a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Discipleship Training School (DTS). He spent three months learning about God's love for him and the nations, and then spent three months in Thailand, sharing this love with others. He's just returned from Thailand and we chatted online last night.
Now, back in January, I specifically asked my son, "When you come back, do you think you'll need to raise support for anything else?" He said he'd probably take some time to get re-grounded in the States and was planning to get a job. Well, last night we were chatting about his plans upon his return, and he mentioned that any job he gets would only be for the summer because he had applied for the School of Biblical Studies with YWAM in the fall. This is a nine month course for which he does, indeed, have to raise support. Now what do I do?
You see, working for Perspectives is a dream of mine...but as has always been the case, my children come first. Their goals, their dreams, their lives take precedence over mine. God gave me these children to care for and nurture, and I take that very seriously. I absolutely will not "compete" with my son for support. We have the same family and a lot of the same friends.
My son, being fresh off of a mountain-top experience, said, "God will provide for both of us, Mom." Like its no big deal. Do I believe God can provide for both of us...Yes. Do I trust that God will provide for both of us...No, not really. I'd like to say that second part isn't true, but as much as I'd like to say that I simply don't trust our friends and family to support both of us (due to tough economic times...not for lack of love). The truth is, God can do anything...so I can't pawn this off on humans and our insufficiencies.
I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm just a wee bit cynical. Is this a closed door? Is my path now blocked? I don't know. Back on my knees again.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Doubts and Stuff
I'm currently a church administrator. I like my job. A lot. I love the people I work with and the people I work for. Like any job it has its frustrations, but all-in-all, I really like what I do.
Lately I find myself questioning my sanity. I have a job that I like. I am able to be flexible with my hours, I know what I'm doing, I have a guaranteed paycheck, its very peaceful and relatively low-stress, I can even bring my dog into the office when the building is empty. And I'm giving this up so I can start a new position where I don't really know anyone, I have no idea how to do anything, the hours are more structured....AND I have to raise part of my pay in support. AM I NUTS?!!!!
Do you think the prophets questioned their sanity when God told them to do something? I'll tell you, if it wasn't for Jonah, I might be hiding in my closet right now! I'm not really in the mood to be vomited by a big fish anytime soon, so I'll keep pursuing Perspectives. I KNOW that I know that I know this is where God wants me to be right now. It just feels so crazy.
Lately I find myself questioning my sanity. I have a job that I like. I am able to be flexible with my hours, I know what I'm doing, I have a guaranteed paycheck, its very peaceful and relatively low-stress, I can even bring my dog into the office when the building is empty. And I'm giving this up so I can start a new position where I don't really know anyone, I have no idea how to do anything, the hours are more structured....AND I have to raise part of my pay in support. AM I NUTS?!!!!
Do you think the prophets questioned their sanity when God told them to do something? I'll tell you, if it wasn't for Jonah, I might be hiding in my closet right now! I'm not really in the mood to be vomited by a big fish anytime soon, so I'll keep pursuing Perspectives. I KNOW that I know that I know this is where God wants me to be right now. It just feels so crazy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Black Outs and Back Ups
I really wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I had just finished have a nice lunch and catch-up session with my college sophomore daughter and had dropped off some paperwork for the new position. I was sitting at a traffic light in my car, when all of a sudden, the world started spinning. I could hardly see, and I started sweating. I cranked the AC in my car to try to shock myself back into consciousness, but that was a bust. As soon as the light turned green I headed for the closest parking lot, applied the brakes and shifted into park.
My next memory is of a stranger banging on my window asking if I was okay. I hadn't even remotely made it into a parking spot. I was stopped in the middle of a small parking lot and was blocking traffic. After assuring the kind stranger that I thought I was okay and didn't need to call 911, I got out of the car, walked around a bit, and then proceeded on my way to my office.
As I began working on a couple of tasks, the nausea hit. Blacking out followed by nausea is not good, even a medical misfit like me knows that. So, I broke down and called the doctor. He took me right away, and it turns out I have some swelling in my inner ear. Sure enough, ever time I turn my head to the left, I'm back on the Tilt-a-Whirl and I'm about to blow.
This really isn't meant to be a medical update. What I was hoping to convey is that God had my back today. I've been feeling a little desperate lately about all the changes we're about to face, and the fact that I made it off the road before I blacked out helped to reassure me that God is going to take care of us. No matter what.
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