The Other Shoe?

I try very, very hard to be a good little Christian.  I try to have a strong faith and think the right thoughts and say the right words and feel the right emotions.  But sometimes, I'm just a hot mess of confusion and anger and jealousy and mostly....fear.

My oldest son, who has spent the better part of his young life running away from God, finally gave himself up to his Savior while attending a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Discipleship Training School (DTS).  He spent three months learning about God's love for him and the nations, and then spent three months in Thailand, sharing this love with others.  He's just returned from Thailand and we chatted online last night.

Now, back in January, I specifically asked my son, "When you come back, do you think you'll need to raise support for anything else?"  He said he'd probably take some time to get re-grounded in the States and was planning to get a job.  Well, last night we were chatting about his plans upon his return, and he mentioned that any job he gets would only be for the summer because he had applied for the School of Biblical Studies with YWAM in the fall.  This is a nine month course for which he does, indeed, have to raise support.  Now what do I do?

You see, working for Perspectives is a dream of mine...but as has always been the case, my children come first.  Their goals, their dreams, their lives take precedence over mine.  God gave me these children to care for and nurture, and I take that very seriously.  I absolutely will not "compete" with my son for support.  We have the same family and a lot of the same friends.

My son, being fresh off of a mountain-top experience, said, "God will provide for both of us, Mom."  Like its no big deal.  Do I believe God can provide for both of us...Yes.  Do I trust that God will provide for both of us...No, not really.  I'd like to say that second part isn't true, but as much as I'd like to say that I simply don't trust our friends and family to support both of us (due to tough economic times...not for lack of love).  The truth is, God can do anything...so I can't pawn this off on humans and our insufficiencies.

I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm just a wee bit cynical.  Is this a closed door?  Is my path now blocked?  I don't know.  Back on my knees again.