The Inner Enemy

I am probably not alone in this, but sometimes I will play a conversation over and over in my head (one that has already happened, not the "practice conversations" I also have prior to the actual discourse).  I will think back to what was said, and I will beat myself up about how I worded something or for what I was too afraid to say.  I will question why I let something roll off my tongue that should most definitely have stayed locked away, or better yet, should not have been in my heart to begin with.

Right now, I am doing that a LOT.  I am so concerned that I am going to offend someone, and yet in the midst of conversations that concern seems to be placed on hold.  I am left with post-convo-guilt.

This morning I was replaying a conversation I had last night, and questioning my motives in sharing what I did.  I got caught up in the moment, complaining about the condition of something without stopping to think about the others who deal with this thing, and who have been dealing with it longer than I have been.  (I know that's a convoluted sentence.).

It is entirely possible that the people within earshot of me thought I was criticizing them, which wasn't my intention, but I completely understand that is how it could have been taken.  Even in the midst of that conversation I knew I should just shut up...but I didn't.

I was sitting here thinking about how very inept I am.  How bad of a person I am.  How stupid I am.  How little self-control I exhibit.  How thoughtless I can be.  I was completely focused on my sin, and not on my Father.  Hmmmm....who would benefit most by this ongoing self-introspection and belittling?  Could it be....SATAN?

So, once again, I take this to my Father.  I confess to Him, "Lord, I didn't control my tongue; that tiny little rudder that directs this ship to places it should not go.  Please forgive me and give me the strength and wisdom to recognize it sooner in the midst of conversation, and then to act on the urging of the Holy Spirit to JUST STOP TALKING!!!!"

I will apologize to those people I think I might have offended.  And I will move on.  I will not wallow.  Wallowing is for pigs in mud, and I am a child of God.  The enemy will not keep me trapped in this self-inflicted prison.  I am free.