Lessons From the Trail

Last week I had the privilege of being a main character in a friend's dream.  Well...actually, I was the heroine in a dream I didn't even know I had, but it definitely all started in my friend's head, for sure.  Hiking on the Appalachian Trail never even entered my sphere of consciousness, except perhaps when binge-watching Criminal Minds on Netflix, yet there I was...backpacking in northern Georgia.

I learned many things on this road trip, most of which I will address in another much-more-serious blog post.  Today, however, I will apply the wise words of my sage, old grandmother, "Learn to laugh at yourself, Monica.  Everybody else is!"

1.  When determining whether or not to set out on your hike, look at the sky.  If the sky is a dark shade of gray or if there is water falling from said, dark sky, stay inside your warm, cozy lodge room and enjoy the view of the mountains from behind insulated glass.

2.  Should you choose to ignore lesson #1 or somehow fail to realize there is water falling from the darkened sky, do not, under any circumstances, buy your rain gear from the world's largest retailer.  That big yellow smiley face is actually laughing his bright, shiny a$$ off at the thought of you getting soaked to the skin in your crappy rain coat and pants that inspired these words from my friend, "You know, you kinda look like a miniature sasquatch from the back."

3.  When wearing said rain gear, you will get wet.  As I learned on this excursion, "wet" is the state of having your clothing saturated with water that fell from the sky.

4.  Even though I have a fairly working knowledge of this "wet" concept, when the temperature is at or below freezing it can be extremely difficult to recognize the difference between "frozen" and "wet."

5.  Upon reaching your desired stopping point on the trail and setting up your microscopic tent, if your friend touches you and says, "You are wet.  Take off your clothes," she is not, in fact, attempting to take your relationship to a new and uncomfortable level.

6.  While it seems to fly in the face of all things reasonable, getting naked in a tent in the woods after wearing wet clothing for six hours can only be compared to a state of complete and utter ecstasy...unicorns and fairies float through the air as rainbows fill the tent with psychedelic light. (Your friend is, in fact, a freaking GENIUS!)

7.  While your friend is a backpacking genius, you will still be trying to thaw out your brain.  Do not attempt to make any life-altering decisions during this time of complete nirvana, such as, "Where should I place these nalgene bottles full of boiling water that my friend is telling me to put in my sleeping bag with me?"  (Hint:  next to your bare skin is the wrong answer.)

8.  "Next to your bare skin" is ALSO the wrong answer regarding where to place the "Hot Hands" warming pads your friend remembered to bring.  Actually, "Next to your bare skin" seems to be the wrong answer to a LOT of life's more difficult questions...

9.  Backpacking "food," and I do use that term loosely, begins in a freeze-dried state and is, thus, quite light and easy to carry.  By adding boiling water to the air-tight, zipper-sealed packet, the "food" is returned to its pre-freeze-dried state,and although it will smell and taste remarkably like cardboard and conjure images of  abandoned puppies and unhappy children, it will provide calories for your body to burn.

10.  Should you have the brilliant decision to use said packet of food as yet another warming device in your sleeping bag, do not, I shall repeat that: DO NOT sit on this packet regardless of how wonderful a warm bum sounds at the time.

11.  After exercising your right to be an idiot, rather than using your extending-handle, camping spork to scoop the "Pineapple, Orange Chicken and Rice" back into the surprisingly sharp-edged, metal, zipper pouch, it is much easier and more efficient to simply use your spork to eat the "food" directly from your sleeping bag, regardless of the convulsive laughing emanating from the sleeping bag next to you.

12.  Tremendous benefits actually result from squirting your entire meal into your sleeping bag.  Hanging your food supply to protect it from bears is rendered unnecessary, as you have now transformed yourself into a living, breathing, food sack and will, thereby, attract all wildlife within a 200 mile radius.  All other food supplies are now completely safe from any unwanted attention.

13.  And finally, make sure your hiking buddy has a cell phone, so she can text the local trail shuttle service to get you the HE!! off that mountain at the butt-crack of dawn the next morning!!!!!!

This has been, "Lessons From the Trail."  I pray these lessons serve you well on all your future backpacking adventures.