Help me in my unbelief

Today is one of those horrible, terrible days that cannot be defined.  I cannot pin my feelings of melancholy to a specific event or trauma.  I just woke up feeling down in the dumps and find myself questioning my life choices.

One of the reasons I'm keeping this blog is so that I can look back and see all that God has done, as well as to hopefully help other people see themselves in my struggles.  Sometimes it just helps to realize you aren't "bad" for feeling the way you do.  You are just like everybody else.  Today, however, I feel alone.

I did some work on updating our checkbook registry and looked up our bank statement online.  My head started doing that thing where I add up numbers and subtract numbers and realize that we don't make or have as much money as I thought we did.  (I think that's called math, but I HATE that four-letter word.)  Then I started thinking about how much we owe each month, and those numbers were even more askew.  (See...math and numbers are evil.)


On top of that, our oldest son is under attack by someone he works with, and its all just boiled up to the point that I can't just smile and quote a random Scripture and swallow it all down again.  I do know that God will work this all out.  Somehow the house will sell, or it won't.  Either way, we'll be okay.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  We wind up going to foreclosure?  We screw our credit score?


I guess I just thought that if we were obedient, everything would go smoothly.  My head says that's dumb.  God made it clear that we would suffer for His names sake.  I guess I just don't want that to be true.  I want right choices to come with sunshine and lollipops.  I want the path of obedience to be covered in extra-thick padded carpet...or better yet, a luxury vehicle to carry me easily down the road on auto-pilot.


I sat myself down and started thinking about all the things I could do to fix the situation.  I could go back to work, even just part time.  However, in my heart of hearts, I know that I need to make ISCA my full-time job.  I need to make sure I'm available for these students.  I just know that to be true.  I look around the house and try to identify more things to sell.  I don't really NEED an engagement ring.  I know I'm married.  Rick knows I love him.  


Way down, in the very back corner of my heart, I think I hear a little voice telling me that God wants to take care of this.  He wants to show me that He will provide in ways that I can't imagine possible.  He wants it to be very obvious that HE is the one working it all out, and that its been in the works since the beginning.  I'm just so afraid.

Father, I believe.  Help me in my unbelief.

I am not a big fan of the Gaithers, but I just can't find better lyrics than these.  If there are any talented composers out there who would like to set this to a different tune, please send it to me when you're done.

I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I take the finite risk of trusting like a child.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown, trusting all the while.
I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know.
But should I never feel a thing, I claim him even so.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown trusting as a child.